The Old Person's Guide to SkrillexS

What's that awful sound spewing from little Johnny's earbuds? If Johnny is from the age of 14-23, it's probably Skrillex. Come, old person, now that you know about Justin Bieber and "Swag" it's time to learn about the insanely popular DJ your tween offspring is currently necking to in the back of your Plymouth.

Skrillex Is a Dubstep DJ

Dubstep is a trendy music genre that old people on blogs love to argue about, but is basically electronic dance music that started in small, dingy English clubs in the early 2000s and emphasizes huge womps and wobbles of bass and stuttering beats, creating a sound like a vomiting robot. 23-year-old Skrillex, whom Hipster Runoff calls "the most famous DJ in the world," is famous because he took dubstep and made it palatable to that key American young person demographic—college bros and girls—by mashing it up with popular electronica, creating something frat boys could fist-pump to. Dubstep's ascendence to the mainstream can be seen in the fact that Korn's latest album is a dubstep collaboration with Skrillex, bestowing alt cred to the old people anti-favorites from the '90s, and inspiring a whole new generation of out-of-touch Americans to scream "Get off my lawn!"

Skrillex Is King of the New American Rave Scene

You may remember raves as that phenomenon you complained about not understanding back in the '90s. Well, they're back, and more off-putting than ever! Glow sticks, neon, that "dancing" thing you thought young people swore off with indie rock. Now, massive traveling festivals and parties are sweeping the nation, providing ample galleries of topless youngs for old people to be horrified/secretly titillated by.

Here is Skrillex's Biggest Hit

It's called "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites," and the first presidential candidate will probably use it as their campaign song around 2032.

Skrillex has Famous Hair

You old people grew up imitating the shaggy mops of the Beatles, the layered bangs of Jennifer Aniston's Rachel, or the trendy mutton chops of Martin Van Buren. But kids these days are all asking for the Skrillex: Shaved bald on one side with a mass of stringy hair falling in a toxic waterfall down the other—probably a leftover from his time as the frontman of the screamo band From First to Last.

A good measure of the popularity of Skrillex's hair: Electric Valentine, another band you've never heard of, has a song called "Girl, You Got Skrillex Hair" which currently has more than 50,000 views on YouTube. There's a fake Skrillex Hair Twitter and a Tumblr: Girls That Look Like Skrillex.

The Old Person's Guide to Skrillex

Everyone Hates Skrillex

The only thing bigger with the youth than Skrillex is hating Skrillex. The Guardian asked if Skrillex is "The most hated man in dubstep?" A thread on the message board for the Coachella festival called "I never realised how horrible Skrillex was until now," got more than 1,485 posts, according to the Guardian. For a young person, the divide between those who love and hate Skrillex is as sharp as the line between competing early hominid tribes among you and your childhood friends.

Skrillex Is Buddies with Jared Leto

I bet you thought this "Jared" fellow your daughter and her friends are always giggling about was her college boyfriend. "When am I going to meet this Jared?" you asked her one night while finishing your fifth sudoku puzzle on the couch. Sorry, they're talking about Jared Leto—the actor that young people love because he asserts his individuality by saying strange things and playing in a crappy band, and hanging out with Skrillex. He's the Urban Outfitters of heartthrobs. Yes, the same one from that My So-Called Life show that you loved all those years ago.

Young People Often Think Skrillex Has Died

You're not anyone among today's young people until they spread rumors on Twitter that you've suddenly died in a freak yachting accident in Bermuda. Then they create Tumblr blogs dedicated to preserving your memory before figuring out that you actually didn't die and creating new Tumblrs dedicated to celebrating your continued existence—all in two hours. Skrillex is often the subject of these rumors; bored young people trend #ripskrillex on Twitter once in a while just for the purpose of forcing Skrillex to deny it.

So, that's Skrillex,. Now you can scream at your kid to turn that shit down in an informed manner.

[Image via Michael Nusbaum/Flickr]