Today is December 1. Do you know what that means? Oh, yeah World AIDS Day. That's great, but that's not what makes today awesome. Today marks the end of Movember, when all the jerks and mustache-come-latelys shave their upper lips. Thank the mustache gods.
You don't know what Movember is? Where are you living? Under a chin? It's a charity event where usually clean-shaven men grow a mustache in November to raise money and awareness for men's health issues and prostate cancer. Every December 1, which in the mustache community we call alternatively Liberation Day and The Great Mustache Massacre, is met with joy and sadness. Millions (OK, thousands) of my fellow mustaches, young children in their infancy, are mowed down like so much cannon fodder. It's a travesty. They are just cast aside by their fathers and not even given a chance to grow and mature. It's as if they are ashamed of them. Like they can't carry the stigma of the "porn 'stashe" or something. Shame on them!
It is also a great day for mature majestic mustaches across this great land, because we no longer have to deal with the taunts and insults of the masses. "Oh, is that for Movember?" people ask pointing at us. No, bitch. I am not for Movember. That's like pointing at a tree that is 30 feet high and asking if it is for Arbor Day. I am a full-time mustache and a member of the Mustaches Local #362. I provide warmth in the winter, a sweat mop in the summer, and beauty all year round. I get the attention of amorous, hair-loving men (and sometimes women) and then tickle them in various and assorted places. Most importantly, I always get attention.
So I totally get Movember. I do. They do it to get attention too. For cancer. Man, you really can't say anything bad about cancer, can you? Well, fuck that. I can! There is no such thing as mustache cancer. Screw cancer. It is taking away from my identity and my individuality. It is taking away from the strong, unabashed men, like my father, who house us every day of the year by diluted their ranks with the weak souls who think it's funny or silly or "ironic" to have a mustache for a month. Guess what? I am not ironic. I am a serious fucking mustache and I am a person too! You got that right.
To all of you people out there who shaved off their mustaches, shame on you, killers. But also, thank you. Thank you for once again proving that those select males in this country brave enough to embrace our cold, poor, huddled masses of hair are the best among men. Thank you for giving them the power and attention they deserve.
During that long month of November, hopefully at least one man out there decided that having a mustache is a blessing and decided to spare it's life this December 1. We welcome you to an elite club. Also, I hope that one man is Joe Jonas, because his mustache, which looks like a direct descendant of Tom of Finland's, sure is hunky. Hey, Joe's Mustache, give me a call, because I'd love to rub myself all over you. That's how we celebrate Liberation Day!
[Image via Shutterstock]