"How much coffee is safe?" the BBC wonders, before letting us know that "the advice is much less clear-cut." Psh! We can tell you how much coffee is safe.
"The general advice," we're told, "is that four or five cups of coffee a day is safe." Sure, that's good advice... if you are literally a two-week old baby. Here's our official "coffee chart" to tell you how much coffee you can drink if you weigh...
- 90-110 lb.: six to seven cups per day
- 110-130 lb.: eight to ten cups per day, plus six lines of ground coffee
- 130-150 lb.: 12 to 14 banana bags of coffee a day
- 150-170 lb.: drink every cup of coffee you see, even if it belongs to someone else
- 170-190 lb.: one cup of coffee per day, but the cup is the size of a bathtub
- 190-210 lb.: three syringe-full injections of coffee into your tear ducts every 20 minutes
- 210-230 lb.: fill a telephone box-sized chamber with coffee and spend all your time in it
- 230-250 lb.: use a urinary catheter and a feeding tube to ensure that you are constantly cycling coffee through your body
- 250 lb. and above: fully merge your being with coffee through meditation