Herman Cain, who's currently having a conversation with his wife that unfortunately isn't available on pay-per-view, sent a note to supporters last night directing them to a new website feature: "Encouragement for Herman Cain." Aww, the poor guy's suicidal.
As his self-imposed Monday deadline for deciding whether to stay in the race nears, he wants *you* to write him a pleasant note telling him not to quit. Also, while you're on the site, a lil' donation would be nice? (Note to those who are considering donating to the Cain campaign before hearing Monday's decision: You're making a logical error. Why not just light the money on fire instead?)
Anyway, let's check in on some of these messages of encouragement for The Leader Who Is Not The Reader. So far my own submission, which is just a few poop and masturbation jokes, has not been approved by moderators.
- Bev from Alabama, feeling a bit world-historical: "Within the next couple weeks, I will become a great grandmother for the first time. Our brand new little James is going to be born into a world in chaos and a homeland our forefathers would never recognize. I worry for not only my new little one, but for us all in the coming months. Unrest and divide and fear are sweeping over our beloved country and unless we have a leader who is the personification of strength and wisdom with the blessings of our Lord, we'll lose all we hold dear. I have tried to look into your heart, Mr Cain."
- Dee from Tennessee doesn't want to sound weird or anything, but... "Maybe I sound a bit radical, but I am convinced this is an attack of Satan and he is using the Democrats and liberal media."
- At least Cassie from Missouri gets it: "You and Rush Limbaugh, my hometown hero are the only hope for our world. Praise be to Jesus."
- JO from Arizona has interesting thoughts about politics: "AMERICA IS CRYING OUT FOR A STRONG, CHRISTIAN LEADER! YOU KNEW THE LEFT WOULD ATTACK. YOU SCARE THEM TO DEATH! A BLACK CONSERVATIVE!! MY GOODNESS, IF THE BLACK COMMUNITY ACTUALLY WOKE UP AND REALIZED THEY DIDN'T NEED THE LIBERAL, LYING LEFT TO TAKE CARE OF THEM, THE WHOLE DEMOCRAT PARTY WOULD IMPLODE! STAND STRONG HERMAN CAIN, AMERICA BELIEVES YOU!"
- Is Joy from Georgia is confusing the Herman Cain presidential campaign with her strategy for beating the Water Temple in Zelda? "Put on the shark protective clothing as well as Christ's Shield and make America proud again."
And that's the only new thing on Herman Cain's site, the end.
- Gloria from Texas doesn't think much of these female accusers: "Hello, Herman Cain, you need to focus about this America" and don't even listen to all this women ,that they don't have nothing good to say about you... they they are money hungry... and women like this, Don't care or don't have no "SHAME to go on TV...to use lies, for money...somebody has been paying this women. They make me sick to my stomach.....they need to start digging a hole on the ground n till they rich china' So, Mr,Cain put your 2 feet on the ground and do your duty....you are here to do, a job....that we in "America" need you......You can not give up.... your or the man....Like God said be for you were born he already knew what you were going to do,if not GOD himself, will remove you from earth....."
- Neither does Karla from Texas, who goes so far as to put "women" in ironiquotes. She also shares an undercited Philippians verse that mentions the Cain Train: "I do not believe a single one of the "women" who have accused you. I believe you to be a God-fearing man who loves his wife and children. Don't let Satan and his demons win. Stay true to the Lord's will and stay in this race. Remember Philippians 4:13! CAIN TRAIN is chugging!"
- Angela from Missouri, who also puts "women" in ironiquotes, appears to think that Herman Cain had boner-muzzling cancer for 13 consecutive years: "I cannot believe you had time for an affair. If you are ill and fighting for your life,suffering through chemotherapy,how can you have time between hospital visits and family time? Wouldn't you be too sick to participate in a make-believe affair? You are a triple threat to the Left!! I believe these "women" are looking for money and attention and have been groomed by the "Demonacrats" to be a bunch of bad actress'. The Left is desperate and they are low enough to break the law and lie. My husband and I are strong supporters. Don't let the bad guys win. Don't give up!! 999!!! :)"
If Herman Cain wasn't convinced to drop out yet, these letters of encouragement should do the trick.