Arsenic in Apple Juice Is Good For You, Stop Whining

HIV levels! Generic Lipitor! Arsenic grandmothers! Low B12! Stressed parents! Hospital food! Fire surgery! Foster drugs! And Europeans are a bunch of nasty motherfuckers! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—to death!

  • What are the levels of HIV in the American South? Well, let me just consult the liberal media here... "Not close to zero." Way to communicate worthlessly, liberal media. Great job guys, yeah really good. I was being sarcastic.
  • So, Lipitor is generic now. If you're excited about this, I can't even talk to you. We're just of different generations. But good luck with your drugs. Go; follow your Lipitor, and your heart. We can never be together.
  • One Yakima-area grandmother is so scared of arsenic in apple juice that she's been "forced" to stop buying it. In the same way she's been "forced" to sit on the couch watching cable news all day. Forced by fear. That's not what life is about. Life is about drinking arsenic, and loving it.
  • Is it old age—or is it just low B-12? It's neither. I've been shot.
  • Dads are working harder. Moms are more stressed than ever. The only ones making out okay: kids. Fuck them. Fuck them good.
  • A new study says there are few healthy food options available in California Children's Hospitals. So... go somewhere else to eat, for Chrissake. I told you I would rather go to a restaurant. But no.
  • A woman's face caught on fire while she was having surgery. Ahahahaha! Haha! Hahahaha! Hahaha!
  • Government researchers warn that foster kids are prescribed serious mind-altering psychiatric drugs at distressingly high rates. Before you know it, this problem could spread to real kids.
  • Measles outbreaks are on the rise in Europe. Yall dirty.
[Photo: Mike Redlund/ Flickr]