Hyperactive pepperoni stick Herman Cain just emerged from his big-ass tour bus, theme song playing and teensy wife by his side, to take to a rental podium and announce that he's suspending his presidential campaign. You all distracted him with your accusations about affairs and leg-touching moments too much!

Before Cain made his appearance, many of his most uncharismatic supporters took to the stage to mumble about things and tell boring stories. When Cain finally took his turn, he refused to just get to the fucking point—prolonging the drama to boast about his heightened name recognition and complete lack of qualifications to hold any elected office besides maybe municipal water commissioner of a rural town; complain about "those false allegations" that "are not true," and how much they've hurt his family; and inform us that he's at peace. But if you listened closely, you noticed that he repeatedly used the past tense before stating clearly that he was pulling out of the race.

Now what? Well, he's "not going to be silenced," and he's "not going to go away." He's just gonna dump all his terrible ideas and gratuitous Pokemon references on a website in Inter-Inter-Inter-Neta-Neta-Neta-Stan-Stan, where they can compete with all the other crazy half-baked ideas drummed up by people who have no fucking clue what they're talking about, when they talk about what the government should be doing. Good luck, Herman!



As a sidenote: Somebody ought to inform liberal Floridian rocker Tom Petty that Cain's campaign was playing "Runnin' Down a Dream" before Cain made his announcement, so he can dig out the cease-and-desist letter template he used when going after Michele Bachmann and George W. Bush for also using his songs without permission. [MSNBC]