According to America's official gun-counting officials, prospective gun buyers registered 129,166 background check requests on Black Friday 2011—more than on any other Black Friday in American history, and a 32 percent increase from the last all-time high. What provoked all these gun sales?
The officials don't really know, actually! Neither do the gun industry analysts, though they at least noticed that many prospective purchasers were first-time buyers and women. Hmm, so we can assume that some people suddenly got turned on to the idea of owning a gun, and some ladies wanted a firearm for self-defense. Other possible reasons why shoppers contributed to this year's gun-buying frenzy:
- They wanted something besides their tool belts to hang from their waists.
- Their family's favorite paintball place closed because of the economy, and anyway shooting off real guns sounded more exciting.
- In case someone pepper-sprayed them in the towels aisle at Walmart.
- They tried every other product on the market to remove those stubborn grass and ketchup stains from their clothing, but nothing worked. Shooting out the stains sounded promising.
- They were tired of feeling left out every time a gun battle broke out in their neighborhood.
- They thought it would help them achieve a raise in their annual performance review at work.
- They're moving to Arizona and wanted to fit in with the locals.
- They woke up one morning with the soul of a cowboy inhabiting their body. Now they are better prepared to save those people in the Colorado mining town from the company bigwigs.
- They woke up one morning with the soul of a violent drug dealer inhabiting their body. Now they are better prepared to consolidate their power and become a company bigwig.
- They bought Grandma slippers last year, and a new bathrobe before that, and a needlepoint kit the year before that, and were out of ideas.
- "Shoot all the decorations off the goddamn Christmas tree" sounded like a fine family-game substitute for the usual round of Trivial Pursuit, which they couldn't play because during last year's celebrations Cousin Tommy (who is 47 years old) swallowed half the plastic pie wedges in a fit of rage.