Why did high school cop Donnie Riggins show up to work on Halloween 2011 dressed up as a ladyparts doctor—complete with "Gynecologist, Dr. Harry Beaver" name badge, fake teeth, and wig? We can think of four possible reasons:
- He actually knows a gynecologist named Dr. Harry Beaver, and wanted to celebrate the doctor's legacy
- He wanted to raise awareness of women's health issues
- He's really creepy and weird
- He's going through some kind of "maybe I should become more creepy and weird" phase
Given that Riggins has never before dressed up as a vagina doctor in his nine years on the job—but has made other, similarly whatthefuckish decisions in recent months—the last option seems most likely. The Miami New Times dug up an internal investigation report on the Altamonte Springs, Florida officer and learned that, in addition to showing up to school as Dr. Beaver, Riggins also delivered a morning announcement against drunk driving in which he called out a English teacher Jacqueline Cahill by name and cast her in the following scenario:
Let's say for instance you're at a party and you're doing what no teenager ever does, drinking alcohol And out of the blue, Mrs. Cahill walks up to you. Now don't ask me why Mrs. Cahill is at a teenage party drinking alcohol but go with it. Mrs. Cahill walks up to you, she starts to give you the dirty eye. All of a sudden she says to you, "Hey Baby." Now understand something, nothing good ever follows, "Hey baby." You never heard anyone say, "Hey baby, I just got an A on my algebra test". But never the less Mrs. Cahill walks up to you , she says to you, "Hey Baby, how's about giving me a ride home." Now you know you have been drinking alcohol, but after all, it's Mrs. Cahill. And you're saying to yourself, she's giving me the dirty eyes, she's licking her chops' I think I should give her a ride. Now you get behind the wheel of a car and you're taking a huge risk because we all know of the tragedy that could follow."
Mrs. Cahill didn't appreciate Riggins' flattering depiction of her as a freewheeling, teenage-party predatrix, and complained. Riggins has been reassigned and is no longer stationed at the school, but was seen wearing his gynecologist costume at church services on Sunday. Just kidding—hopefully he burned it.
In reporting on the Riggins story, a reporter for the local news station WFTV asked a school spokesman, "Where do you get these guys from?" To which the spokesman responded, "You must be new to Florida."