Today you all learned that we here at Gawker are looking for a trio of slaves to spend their days with us in terrible, seemingly endless servitude. Who among you is up for such a task? According to one commenter, we should immediately disqualify the eight Horsemen of the Apocalypse you see pictured below.
Why the Stock Photo Interns Would Be Terrible, In Order
1: Spends too much time at the morgue. Can never focus on deadlines.
2: A snarky bitch, but vaguely German, so it's menacing snark and that's a little no fun.
3: Addicted to cocaine, can't afford decent hairstyle.
4: Facial expressions cause Moylan to question if he smells, chaos ensues.
5: Thick neck, probably played college ball. Please apply at Deadspin. Duties include sorting funbag letters as they come in through the week, writing thank you cards to those featured.
6: Is that a lazy eye? Honey. Glasses. You'll need them to read the site.
7: Former n+1 intern. Won't stop talking about Keith Gessen, causing HamNo to gouge his eyes out with knives forged from the pages of the Middlebrow Edition of All the Sad Young Literary Men.
8: Chet Haze. Like Jill Zarin, will temporarily work for free, but will feel too important to go get lunch. Everyone starves to death.
Thanks, AssembledWrong! That's eight less resumes for my overburdened inbox.