While the Pentagon sets about distributing old grenade launchers, armored tanks, and other gear to help towns across America fight Osama bin Laden, a homeland security program in Michigan is approaching the war on terror in a less militarizing, more taste bud-satisfying (and low-fat) way: By arming counties with snow cone machines.
The West Michigan Shoreline Regional Development Commission, which manages homeland security operations, um, along the western Michigan shoreline, recently gave snow cone machines costing $11,700 to 13 counties under its jurisdiction. I bet you are wondering why! Well, according to a memo the machines (which some officials would rather you call "ice shaving machines") can make ice to treat injuries—but they also make icy treats, to treat people who either have or should have questions about homeland security. In other words, this is not a waste of money, so please stop it right now with your raised eyebrows, and your sarcastic commentary.
According to The Daily News, commission head honcho Sandeep Dey said one county's request for a popcorn machine "was denied." Have you ever tried bombarding an Al Qaeda member with popcorn balls? They just stand there and look at you like you're some kind of weird clown. Popcorn is utterly useless in fighting terrorists.