How do you even process the insane mess that was last night's Sectionals episode of Glee? Maybe I should ask a bunch of questions about it to try to unravel the mysteries? Would you guys mind?
Remember when we all looked forward to the competition episodes of Glee so we could see the New Directions and all the other clubs busting out their show choir best?
We're supposed to believe that the big competition is one week away and that New Directions doesn't have enough singers to compete and hasn't even chosen its songs yet or learned their dances? Did Mr. Schue learn anything? For a man who can come up with a lesson plan on the spot he sure isn't that smart, is he? Do Finn and Rachel really think that Sam is the thing that is going to save them at Sectionals? He's been gone all season, has anyone even mentioned him before this? Did he even get one solo during a competition while he was at the school? Then why do they think he is the thing that will let them win?
Is there one free-standing, full-time strip club that has male dancers and caters to a female audience anywhere in the whole world even in booming metropolises like New York and Los Angeles? Then why would we think that there is one somewhere out in the middle of Kentucky? Why is it teeming with women in the middle of the day? Who are these women? If such a place really did exist (which it doesn't) why are there only three dancers? Wouldn't you feel ripped off if you took your afternoon off work to see some dick and there were only three dicks there to choose from?
Why are we meeting Sam's parents when we haven't even met nearly any of the major character's parents? How are they going to pay the rent or buy clothes and books for Sam's siblings (the things he said stripping was funding) now that he's going to move to Ohio to be in a show choir and not work at "Dairy Queen" anymore? Is he going to get a job as a go-go dancer at Lima's gay bar Scandals and send money back? Where does Sam end up living? With Rachel or Finn?
When Sam gets back, why does he want to sing a stupid song about a Red Solo Cup first? How does everyone suddenly know all the words to this? All they listen to is Katy Perry and Broadway show tunes, and we're supposed to believe they can harmonize to Toby Keith with no notice? When is Babygay Kurt more adorable than when he's gaying out because he doesn't know a country song? While her list of disses to Sam is hilarious, how does Santana know that he's back so quickly? Could she hear the pucker of his lips down the hallway with her super lesbian hearing? Speaking of which, why doesn't Naya Rivera have a record deal yet?
Does Quinn's character have any direction at all? Is she good or bad now? Didn't we all see this "Quinn is going to rat out Shelby to get her baby back" like seven episodes ago? How the hell does Sam know that Quinn is lying so quickly? Why does Sam quote John Cougar Mellancamp's wonderful "Jack and Diane" in the hallway but he just sang that stupid "Red Solo Cup" novelty song that was totally stupid? Why didn't he just sing JCM and teach everyone a lesson through the spirit of song? Isn't that what Glee is supposed to be all about?
What the hell is that Irish boy ever saying?
How did Blaine find out that Sam was a stripper and why does he even care? Blaine boxes? Do his two dance moves (the head bobble and the pee-pee dance) come in handy in fights? How did everyone on this show get really skinny except Finn got fat? Is he like Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars?
Mercedes still has that boyfriend? We haven't seen him or her in ages, where have they been? We're supposed to care about the Sam/Mercedes relationship (SMercedes? Mercedam?) when neither of them get any screen time and the only time we saw them together was holding hands secretly in two seconds at the end of one scene last season? How does the show forget so many details but then expects us to remember and care about some of the tiniest things?
How did Tina get into Mike Chang's dad's office without being detected or announced? If no one came to see Rocky Horror or the New Direction's talent show, how did they sell out West Side Story for two nights? Who cares enough to record the show and then make a bootleg DVD that Tina gives to Mike Chang's dad?
for sectionals? Where are the Warblers? Weren't they in the same section as New Directions last year? How did they win their section and all the other groups haven't had their Sectionals yet? Were the sections redistricted due to plot contrivance? And what about all the other schools that New Directions has competed against at Sectionals in the past? Where are they now? They don't compete anymore? Did the New Directions even rehearse their songs once?
Why are the Unitards called the Unitards if they're not wearing unitards? Why don't they fire Lea Michelle and hire this girl from The Glee Project who is the head of the Unitards to play Rachel? Would anyone miss Lea?
"I Will Survive?" Really? Do you think Shelby Cochran would pick "I Will Survive?" Ugh, a mashup? What, did Shelby catch the "put too songs together" disease when she almost made out with Mr. Schue or something? Did Gwyneth give it to her when she was fresh off the set from Contagion? Who are all these other girls in the Trouble Tones anyway? Did they just pull eight girls out of a hat? And, if we've never seen the Unitards before, why does the announcer say that the Trouble Tones are performing for the first time ever, but not the Unitards? Why didn't they do this when New Directions premiered two seasons ago?
Does this audience give everyone a standing ovation? If there are only three show choirs performing, why is there such a huge gap between the Trouble Tones' number and New Directions so that Quinn can go backstage and have her confrontation with Shelby? Does Quinn really think that Principal Figgins is going to be in his office when the school is closed for the Sectionals competition?
Who made those ugly ass dinner jackets New Directions is wearing? Why do they get a band? Aren't the three guys from the band singing with the group to fill out their roster? If the guys from the band are in the choir, then who is in the band? Why does New Directions get three songs when everyone else only gets one song? How did they learn three complete routines in a week especially with people who have never sung or danced before? Why are they doing three Jacksons song? Is there supposed to be an emotional connection? Was the Jackson estate having an estate sale? Has "Man in the Mirror" really ever brought anyone to their feet?
Where are everyone's parents? Wouldn't they come to the show? Why do we only see Mike Chang's dad and not, you know, Kurt's dad or Rachel's dads or anyone else's parents?
Why does Mike Chang's dad say that he'll apply to "dance schools?" Can't he apply to places like the University of Michigan (which has a great musical theater program) and study dance and Biology? Does Mike Chang and his dad (and every TV writer in the whole universe) know that "pre-Med" is not a real major? Don't they understand that people who go to med school usually major in biology or chemistry or whatever but they can't sign up for the "Pre-Med" department because it doesn't exist? Can't Mike Chang do both? How did Tina learn how to forge his applications? Is being a "sneaky Asian" not a negative stereotype?
Why is that Gerber Baby girl so excited about getting third place? She's supposed to be like Rachel Berry, can you imagine what Rachel would do if she won third? How did New Directions win? Was it by volume of music alone? And why were the judges sitting in the audience with the rabble and not at like a judging table or something? Who was the guy making announcements at the show? Where was he?
If New Directions won, why don't I feel happy? Why do I feel annoyed?
Quinn thinks she can get into Yale? Seriously? Is Quinn delusional, bipolar, or both? This is an actual question.
When did the New Directions have time to learn another whole new number? If the Trouble Tones are welcome back in New Directions, why did only four of them join? What happened to all those other girls? Were they evil clones that Sugar Motta bought with her daddy's money? Isn't Sugar Motta not welcomed in New Directions? Isn't that why the Trouble Tones got started in the first place? If the New Directions learned this number (in 3.5 seconds) without knowing the Trouble Tones were coming to dinner, how is there a solo for Mercedes in the middle? Does Mr. Schue do anything but laugh and smile and pat his kids on the back anymore?
Why am I still watching this show?