It's Time for Everyone to Shut Up About Bacon

Today I got a press release for something called the Baconery, which is a bakery that makes things out of bacon. That reminded me of bacon chocolates, bacon lip balm, bacon cologne, bacon vodka, and even bacon fucking lube. It's time to knock it off, people.

I love bacon. I eat it with my French toast at brunch and I eat it when it gets together with its closest sister friends lettuce and tomato and starts a boy band called BLT. I even put it on a burger or put its bits on my salad. Yes, bacon makes everything better. That doesn't mean we need to have bacon in everything! One of the best things about bacon is that it's a treat. You only get to have bacon every so often, so that when you do have it is absolutely delicious. If you can have bacon not only with brunch and burgers but even in your most intimate moments with bacon lube, when is it special?

Maybe it's not bacon that is turning me off but people running around going, "Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon. It's bacon!" like that Beggin' Strips dog treat commercial. Just calm the hell down. Your love of bacon does not make you any more macho because you don't give a shit about tofu and quiche and will only eat "real man" foods like bacon. The reason bacon is a real man food is because it makes you fat and real men don't care about being fat. Guess what, real fat men also don't get laid. How's that for being manly?

Loving bacon also doesn't make you more of a foodie. All of these James Beard loving food fanatics started adding all these bacon dishes to their menus like somehow loving bacon makes you some sort of amazing person who sees the virture of this food that no one gets. Then people who loved bacon thought, "Oh, well if I like this thing all these chefs like, I must know something about food." No, you don't. They just know that having weird bacon dishes will lure your fat ass into their restaurant. That's not brilliant cooking, that's good commerce.

Let me break it down for you. Everyone loves bacon. Saying you love bacon is like saying you love chocolate. It's like saying Meryl Streep is a good actress. It's like saying that you masturbate (if you're a man) or that get PMS (if you're a woman) or that you want to punch Katherine Heigl in her smug fucking face (if you are a human). Being crazy for bacon does not make you special or interesting, it makes you a person with a tongue. That is all.

Since liking bacon does not make you interesting, neither does wanting everything to taste like, smell like, or look like bacon. It just makes you a sad person with no other interests and a lazy palate that can't discern what else it likes beside the obvious fried and fatty pork. Go ahead and love your bacon, just shut up about it. Oh, and hope that they come out with bacon-flavored Lipitor, because you're going to need that real soon.

[Image via Bacon]