You love your dog. Far more than your emotionally distant heart could ever love a human. And why not? Your dog never did anything but express an evolutionarily advantageous convincing simulacrum of love for you. You must show your love back. You must! But what to get Nibbles and Rocky this holiday season? Only the best.
S Christmas Panties
Your bitch is a slut. She can't help it. Hormones, you know? But instead of paying for puppy care or guarding her with a shotgun when she's in heat, why not just dress her in these jazzy, attractive panties? Show off your dog's stylish flair and seal off her vagina, all in one! You can tell her they're for "potty training." Fellas know the real reason. "Funding for our family planning efforts can wait," say sub-Saharan African women.
Black & White Hawaiian Dog Panties, $10.91 [ Pampered Puppy]
Safety Dog Car Seat
The days of having your dog ride in the back of your pickup truck are over. Not only because you live in Connecticut, drive a Volvo, and have never done an honest day's work; but also because of safety. How would you feel if you had to hit the brakes, and Rufus went flying into the front seat? It would be pretty damn funny. Barking little bastard. What were we talking about. Oh, right—just strap your dog onto a large shearling-coated box like a responsible person, okay? "This is America's highest traffic safety funding priority," say Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
Large Shearling Safety Dog Car Seat, $179 [ Fetchdog]
S Therapeutic Magnetic Necklace
Yes, your dog has lots of jewelry. But does your dog have magic jewelry? Now she does, because you bought her a Vitality Magnetic Therapeutic Necklace, made with Swarovski crystals. "Magnetic jewelry and magnetic therapy (biomagnetics) have long been known to improve general feelings of well-being, improve blood circulation, reduce inflammation and swelling, strengthen immune system, and provide pain relief," you'll explain lovingly, as she gazes at you thinking about meat. "You must buy this, for your dog's health is priceless," say the wretched cholera-wracked citizens of Douala.
Vitality Magnetic Therapeutic Necklace, $100.95 [ Upscale Pup]
Porn Movie-Style Luxury Dog Bed
Look at this fucking dog bed. It's way nicer than your bed. "It also comes with a white and black embroidered silk throw pillow, and black nail heads for added beauty and sophistication." That's right. Sophistication. "Get that shit right this instant," say the 1.5 million American children who were homeless in 2011.
Beverly Hills Black & White Bed, $1,550 [ Bling Bling Puppy]
S Elongated Soft Palate Surgery
Do you own a cute cuddly-wuddly bulldog? You monster! You must have missed the story about how bulldogs are grotesque victims of ruthless inbreeding whose lives are torture thanks to a plethora of devastating characteristics that you find "cute." Why not ease your bulldog's suffering by enabling him to breathe better by having the extra flesh on his long palate amputated? His reduced snoring will be its own reward. "Please, don't worry about us, do the dog's surgery first!" beg Third World children with cleft palates.
Procedure averages from $1,500- $2,500 [ Hunt Valley Animal Hospital]
S Humunga Stache
To your dog, it's just another rubber ball—but when he chews on it, he'll be unwittingly wearing a comical oversized old-timey mustache, to the amusement of onlookers! "You... you tricked me," he'll say, as he slowly realizes just why everyone is laughing. "You tricked me. I can't believe this. You tricked me." The look of disappointment in his downcast eyes will break your heart a million times over. "Come on dude. I didn't meant it," you'll stammer, a lump rising in your throat. "I mean, it was just, I had to either buy this, or blow that ten bucks on Red Cross disaster relief." With that, the twinkle will creep back into his eyes, and he'll exclaim, "Tell it to the 'stache!"
Humunga Stache, $10 [ Pampering Pickle]
UPDATE: There's been a run on Humunga Staches! MoodyPet.com has more!
[Top image via Shutterstock]