Today's College Essay Questions Sound Like Online Dating Profile Questions

In my day, when Kurt Cobain was president and we youngsters went to college to get jobs that actually existed, the only questions colleges asked you on their applications were these: "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" And "Are you smart? Describe below." Life was simple then.

Nowadays, the colleges want to know how your mind works and get to know what kind of person you are (at least the kind of person you are on college application forms), as UPI reports. Columbia University wants to know about your favorite movie (tie between City of God and Ashes and Diamonds). Brandeis wants to know what kind of costume you'd wear for a full year if given the chance (SuperProle—my superpowers include the amazing ability to see through phony people's pretenses and bullshit, identify the beauty of an abandoned steel mill, and eat copious amounts of macaroni salad from supermarket delis). The University in Atlanta asks you about your favorite amusement park ride, and What It Says About You (The Pirate Ship; either that I once fought on the high seas in search of adventure and golden doubloons, or enjoy barfing on the backs of people's heads).

Does asking these questions help the schools make better admissions decisions? Who knows. But they probably help admissions counselors to decide which incoming freshmen to ask out on dates, and to make more informed Netflix choices.

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