Joe Paterno Has Become America's Most Pathetic Man

Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno just fractured his pelvis for the second time. He'll be spared surgery, but will still have to continue living life as Joe Paterno: America's cancer-having*, idiot riot-inspiring, Presidential Medal of Freedom-less, buffed off, soon-to-be-trashed child rapist-protector. In central Pennsylvania. Where nothing cool happens, except miracle-of-lifey cow births and ice cream parties.

* Not meant as a dig against people with cancer—a disease that has claimed several beloved family members and is the most likely cause of my own death after "getting run down by a Bud Light truck while riding my bicycle."

[Image via AP]