Kelly Evans is a financial columnist for the Wall Street Journal. Unlike most columnists, she arrives at work at 6:45 a.m. That's because Kelly Evans has a second job: she's the co-anchor for the Journal's 8:30 a.m. video newscast, the "News Hub," which plays on the WSJ's homepage just as thousands upon thousands of readers are reading their morning financial news. How many of those traders and brokers and analysts and corporate office drones have fallen in love?
The whole "Money Honey" thing is outdated. This is the internet era. The next Money Honey—the next Fed Fox, Cash Crush, Leverage Lady, Bonds Girl, Crisis Isis, Jane Dough—will not be some CNBC executive-wooer or blonde Fox newsbot. It will be Kelly Evans, the one who works at a real newspaper, who has a real reporting job, and whose broadcast is not a well-lit, supersmooth studio job, but a (relatively) low-budget, in-house, online video feed that occasionally flickers in and out of clarity. And Kelly Evans will get to reap the benefits. The benefits of her adoring fan base.
Which are of a few varieties. "WSJ airhead slut Kelly Evans." That's one variety. "Hot or Not: WSJ reporter Kelly Evans." That's another variety. And then, of course, the most common variety: unmitigated, unsolicited adoration. Which is... nice?
There is, for example, the fan group "Kelly's Heroes" on the Red Eye website, where one particular user posts every Kelly Evans screenshot he can get his hands on, and another writes "Hello Kelly, from what i have read about you you are very smart, and i can see you are very pretty. no offense intened. i hope to get to know you better. i have a blog on my page about PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder) and i would love for you to look at it and comment."
Her fans are unafraid to express their devotion on the internet. "decent looking. hot for a wsj reporter. the old geisers in there probably fantasize about her all day." Sometimes the comments on her financial column skip the column entirely and dwell on her morning News Hub appearance: "Great job Kelly, I'm looking forward to more hub. I like how everyone just stands up from their desks. It's like a bunch of prairie dogs reporting. Or gophers, like Caddy Shack. Friday was the best for that."
She also, naturally, receives fan mail. You can use your imagination. Some is rather friendly. Touching, even. Like this:
To: Evans, Kelly
Subject: Shortest Possible Fan letter
It's a poetic experience to watch video news
([Name], 33, Croatia/Europe continent, computer programmer, saxophon tenor player, video edittor, cameraman,...)
Awww. A loving, international fan base. What more could a journalist ask for? Well, anonymity, I guess. Kelly Evans is not completely comfortable with her many lusty admirers. She sees herself as a regular, working financial reporter; this sort of spinoff media world microfame can make dealing with touchy sources that much harder. These are things that the average journalist, to put it politely, does not have to worry about. So how much longer will she take the stress? TV networks beckon. The real Money Honey world would like to woo her. She could leave behind newspaper wages and drab newspaper offices and the newspaper work grind and human-looking newspaper colleagues. Trade them all in! Bigger money! Fancier office! Less work! Better hours! More attractive co-workers!
But no matter where Kelly Evans goes, she will never, ever escape her adoring fans. Never. Ever. Ever. Love is forever. Take what you can get from it Kelly: a lifetime of materialist media world success. And maybe a Taser in your purse.
[Thanks to the Gawker staff for brainstorming 'Money Honey' synonyms.]