Christmas is around the corner! Have you caught the Christmas spirit yet? No? Yeah, me neither. It's okay, though: we've collected the our favorite weird, gory, depressing and otherwise deeply creepy Christmas carols for your listening, um, enjoyment.
You know people who are really into "the Christmas spirit," right? Eggnog cocktails? Bing Crosby? Relentless, inescapable cheeriness, and the rigid enforcement thereof?
What is wrong with these people? Cheeriness is for barbecues. Christmas marks the start of winter, and winter is a harrowing, horrible time. The proper "Christmas spirit" is a recognition that time has passed; cold has descended; your body is weak; and you, like everything around you, like all life on earth, will someday die and become the hard ground. This is not something that is properly encapsulated by "All I Want for Christmas," great a song as that may be.
But all isn't lost! The grand, death-obsessed tradition of Christianity still contains within it some bloody, depressing, sinister classics. I've assembled some below.
Note: We tried to find the best versions possible on YouTube; click on the title to be linked to another version of each carol on Spotify. Also, before you say anything: We know about "Carol of the Bells." Everyone knows about "Carol of the Bells." It just reminds us more of Home Alone than of the forbidding quietus of winter.
Adam Lay Ybounden
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Down in Yon Forest
I Wonder as I Wander
In the Bleak Midwinter
We Three Kings