Landmark Commercial-Volume Bill Targets What Americans Really Care About

Nipple-obsessed bureaucratic broadcast regulator the FCC has taken definitive action towards eliminating what they call "one of the most persistent problems of the television age." No, Howie Mandel has not been ordered executed by firing squad. The problem is "loud commercials."

On Tuesday, the FCC passed the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act, or CALM. (See what they did there?) It's a law that states all commercials must run at the same volume as network newscasts. The same applies to network promos. The responsibility falls on cable providers like Comcast or Time Warner to ensure that a pleasing uniformity of volume does not disturb a nation of sound-sensitive couch potatoes, but it will take another year for the act to go into effect.

That means another 12 months of having to reach forward to grab the remote and lower the volume manually. Damn you, physical activity! Damn you to hell! [FCC, Photo via Shutterstock]