Married Suckers People Are Nearly a Minority

Are you married? Sucker. I mean, congratulations. Sucker. In olden times men and women would agree to be joined in matrimony forever—the men receiving a regular source of sexual congress and a valuable allegiance to powerful land-owning families in nearby regions, and the women receiving a new pot and pan. Today: married people are nearly a minority. So close!!!!

Check this one out, all you "I got married to my high school sweetheart at age 24 because it just seemed like the right thing to do" people:

Just 51 percent of all adults who are 18 and older are married, placing them on the brink of becoming a minority, according to a Pew Research Center analysis of census statistics to be released Wednesday. That represents a steep drop from 57 percent who were married in 2000...

In 1960, for example, when most baby boomers were children, 72 percent of all adults were married.

Joke's on you married people!!! You figured everyone would be doing it sooner or later, so why not get ahead of the curve, right? Well while you were spending all your time with one person, your single peers were sleeping around with a veritable who's who of attractive members of the opposite sex in the prime of their sexuality, experimenting with a diverse menu of sexual techniques that your spouse just "isn't into!" Or at least playing lots of new XBox games, alone. Either way, the message is clear: I don't even want to get married, Julie, so I hope you're really happy with that other dude you married after you dumped me. I really hope so, ha! I'll be having sex with someone extremely drunk this weekend Julie—someone whose hair is much shinier and fuller than yours! Have fun watching Todd resurface the cabinets or whatever! Really happy for you, sure!

Gay marriage, however, is up by infinity percent.

[Washington Post. Photo: Andrew Morrell/ Flickr]