Perhaps 1-800-GET-THIN Was Not the Panacea You Imagined

Twin surgery! Young insurance! Teen weedheads! Statin flu! Cookie dough! Thin tricks! Working moms! ADHD drugs! And the very latest cigarette news from Eastern Europe! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—sickeningly!

  • Another day, another marathon 20-hour surgery to separate conjoined twins. Here's an idea, conjoined twins: give it a chance. Talk it out.
  • More young people have health insurance now. Good, because I'm beating up young people like every day.
  • Kids these days have discovered the grown up secret of life: don't drink, don't smoke cigarettes. Just smoke weed all the time. It's just what adults have been doing for generations, the only difference being they've also been drinking and smoking cigarettes, and also huffing a whole lot of glue, in the case of Daryl.
  • Oh, so statins can cut the flu death risk in half, you say? Hmm, very interesting indeed. Please, continue talking as I slowly—ever so slowly—sink down to my knees and waddle around the corner, where you can't see me.
  • The headline said "Beware of Raw Cookie Dough." "Oooo, whyeeeeeee?" shrieked all the Jean Teasdales of the world, tossing their cat scrapbook project high in the air as their Google Alert pinged furiously. "Whyeeeeeee?" Do you ever stop shrieking?
  • Real bad and shocking news coming your way today, and that news is that "1-800-GET-THIN" may have been engaging in some slightly misleading advertising. There you were, your blind date waiting in the car, as you hid in the bathroom, repeatedly dialing 1-800-GET-THIN, staring at your protruding belly in the mirror as you punched the numbers again and again, cursing at how slowly the magical weight loss phone number seemed to be working, shouting "Be out in a sec!" You never did get a second date with her, but you did learn a valuable lesson. If only you could remember what it was.
  • Working moms are healthier. Working moms are happier. Than non-working moms, obviously. Both groups are miserable compared to people without kids.
  • ADHD drugs don't put your heart at risk. Who even thought that? Who thought that? Were people like "yeah I bet this puts my heart at risk?" Who really said that? Did anyone even say that? Who actually really believed that? Show me the person. Where are they? Hiding? Hiding out thinking up more things to believe? About hearts?
  • If Bulgaria wants to ban smoking, I really don't care much.