Christmas is probably my favorite time of the year. There are so many great things about it: candy canes, presents, family togetherness, days off work, drunken holiday parties, crappy Christmas movies on ABC Family, Rudolph! What's not to love? Actually there are a handful of things not to love, and here they are.
Sure, Christmas is a time of wonder and endless bliss, but with any annual occurrence that sucks up so much of our thought and energy, there are bound to be some traditions that you hate. Here are the things about Christmas I wish would go away so I can enjoy the rest of the season without them.
I'm sorry, but egg nog is fucking disgusting. What even is a "nog" anyway? It sounds like what would leak into your eye if you had a stye. There's not even any other kind of nog, like strawberry nog or butterscotch nog, just egg nog, which is the color of dishwater and has the consistency of melted butter that's slowly congealing again. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. If you really want to find a way to sneak yourself some spirits, just have yourself a V8 with some vodka in it, and leave the nog alone.
Like a good New Englander, I couldn't imagine a holiday season in a warm climate, but that doesn't mean I need a white Christmas, especially if the snow isn't real. There is nothing worse than fake snow, from that kind you spray on the windows to the weird cotton your aunt rolls out to create her Christmas village of little light-up figurines. You're not fooling anyone! There are so many other things that could make your decorations or display read "Christmas" that you don't have to resort to one that looks cheaper than a bottle of Snooki's perfume in your stocking.
Olde Timey Carolers
It's nice to have some live music at an event or at your front door, even if its a cappella, but why the hell do the Carolers have to dress up like they just stepped off the set of a community theater production of A Christmas Carol? You have to be Victorian to adequately express joy to the world? No! Slap those bitches in some Santa sweaters and they'll sound just as good. Hell, let them wear jeans and Santa hats. There's nothing wrong with looking modern. And let them sing "Merry Christmas, Darling." The ghost of Karen Carpenter past will be delighted.
Oh, fucking tinsel. Do not get me started on tinsel. Actually do, because this is the worst thing about Christmas. It sticks on everything: your clothes, the carpet, the cat when it tries to climb the tree, the beater bar of your vacuum, everything! Just like glitter it never goes away and one day in July you're lying in bed thinking, "What is that strange thing under my pillow" and it's a damn strand of tinsel! Aargh. It's not even pretty or worth the effort or hassle. Ban tinsel forever.
There is no stupider tradition than kissing under the mistletoe. The only thing worse than this is clinking glasses at a wedding to make the bride and groom kiss, except no one actually has mistletoe in their house. No, mistletoe was invented so that hacky writers of ABC Family Christmas specials (that I love!) will have an excuse for Mario Lopez and Melissa Joan Hart to kiss in Holiday in Handcuffs. Come on, Christmas special writers, try a little bit harder, would you, because mistletoe is as fake as someone overhearing someone else leaving a message on an answering machine. That just doesn't happen!
Really, you know what store I want to spend money at but you are too lazy and uncreative to look around that store for 30 minutes and try to figure out something I'd like? You're already in the damn store! How hard is it to pick out something? Sure, you can't wrap a massage or 200 Peppermint Lattes from Starbucks, but at least buy me a damn mug to put the gift card in. It's Christmas. It's all about stuff!
I'm sorry but standing out in the cold in some little lean-to stuffed with hay and a real sheep and some cows while you're dressed up like Mary and/or Joseph doesn't make you part of the holy family, it makes you a crazy religious zealot who is at risk for frost bite. And your baby is not special for getting picked. He is not Jesus. He is cold and hungry and wants to go inside and you better hope he doesn't remember this or he is going to come after you when he grows up. Anyway, as we learned, Christmas is about stuff these days, so you better get hip to secular humanism, or else.
So, what do you hate the most about Christmas? Let us know in the comments.
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