New Yorkers Too Scared to Take Elevators, Reports Fiction Paper

Earlier this week, Manattan ad executive Suzanne Hart was killed in a freak elevator accident. These things are referred to as "freak accidents" because they are very, very rare. No matter; everyone is taking the stairs now, forever.

Hey, it's something to put on the cover of the Post, right? The, uh, intrepid tabloid's splash headline: "Frightened New Yorkers shun elevators." Good god. That's a lot of shunned elevators! Upon what did they base this sweeping conclusion? Telephone polling? Results of a government survey? Oh. Two people! Number one:

"[Hart] was 41, I'm 41, and it was so close to here," said [random office worker Lisa] Miller. "It just made me think twice."

And number two:

Nancy Kaszerman, a photographer who lives on the Upper East Side, said she always preferred taking the stairs.

"I certainly thought about [Hart's death] today, and I'm going to avoid elevators whenever I can," she said.

Lisa Miller and Nancy Kaszerman have been scientifically determined to be precise representatives of the behavioral choices of eight million New York City residents, meaning NEW YORK STAIRCASES FLOODED WITH TERRIFIED ELEVATOR-PHOBICS. Better to just stay home today, folks. Navigating those stairs could be trouble.

[NYP. Yeah yeah, fish, barrels. It's Friday.]