For years, nay, decades, public health scolds have tried and tried to politely inform the American people that drinking gallon upon gallon of Fanta cola in lieu of water could have negative health effects, including but not limited to the fact that we as a nation are now enormous. But! Now, public health advocates have learned to tap into that most primal fear of Americans: fear of exercise.
When researchers taped signs saying just that on the drink coolers in four inner-city neighborhood stores, sales of sugary beverages to teenagers dropped by 50 percent. That tactic was more effective than a sign saying that the drinks had 250 calories each, or a sign saying that a soft drink accounts for 11 percent of recommended daily calories.
Yeah, sure, we hope you're proud of yourselves, researchers. Who the fuck is going to go jogging right after they drank a soda, anyhow? Burping and etc. Now how about trying this sign? "One can of Red Bull + 20 minutes of Super Squats= U Kicking Ass of Everyone." Yes, Diet Mountain Dew will also work as a pre-workout supplement in a pinch. The important thing is getting that good depth on each squat rep, making sure to breathe at the top while keeping your lower back tight. Tell the kids the truth, researchers.
Also tell them soda will make your dick fall off.