Your Awful Smoking Pill-Popping Mom Made You Have a Fat Patoot

Neti pots! Sun benefits! Gay marriage! Nuclear death! Celery danger! Heart eyes! Obesity moms! Supplement peril! And holiday hangover cures, right on time! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—every last inch of it!

  • You know who's not in too much health today? Kim Jong-Il! But seriously folks, here's a story about neti pots.
  • Seems like all you have to do is step outside these days and all you hear is "Don't go out in the sun" or "Stay out of the sun" by the anti-sun Greek chorus that seems to follow you around like your wife, a dermatologist. Well honey, what if I told you that the sun's rays prevent chicken pox? Then would you "come into the light," haha? Well, yes, I know you're locked in my underground dungeon. That question was rhetorical.
  • Gay men who participate in same sex marriage tend to be in better health. Lot of good that does me! I only have sex with ladies! Ladies, that's it, absolutely! *Sweating profusely.* Sex with lots of women, right? Damn my health! I love it that much!
  • Explain this one to me, Einstein: a nuclear plant in Japan has a disaster, and that will somehow cause 14,000 deaths in the US? Okey dokey, Sherlock. What, will tiny invisible particles float across the ocean and give us cancer? Look at Marie Curie, over here.
  • Take that celery seed right back to Safeway, home cooks—it's probably full of salmonella. What do you put that in, anyhow? Could not care less, I'm just making polite conversation.
  • Can the symptoms of heart disease really show up in your eyes? Uhh yeah, why don't you ask a blogger, they're a widely respected bunch of cardiologists, right ? You reading me here?
  • Is America's ongoing obesity epidemic the fault of 1950s mothers who "smoked, spurned breast-feeding and restricted their weight during numerous, closely spaced pregnancies?" Sure. You're fat and your mom is stupid.
  • Older women who take vitamin and mineral supplements tend to die earlier than women who take no supplements at all. But what a marvelous, vitaminy death.
  • What's the best way to cure that holiday hangover? Probably silent contemplation of the underlying reasons why you feel that you need that stuff to have a good time. You don't need that stuff to have a good time.

Your Awful Smoking Pill-Popping Mom Made You Have a Fat Patoota4gpa/ Flickr" />