It's a holiday miracle: users of the popular nerd hive Reddit tracked down an adoptee's birth parents in a matter of hours. They also found and skeezed over his biological sister's topless pictures. Awkward.
Yesterday afternoon, Littleton, Colorado, Reddit user -steezy_wunda_bred- posted his cry for help on the Denver section of the site.
"So I'm looking for my birth family after nearly 24 years," he wrote. "My birthday is coming up this Tuesday and it always reminds me of my past, so I figured I'd do something about it."
He posted an old picture of his birth parents (above) and some basic details, including their first names and the ages they were when he was born. He knew his biological father played in a punk band in Littleton and that his mother Michelle worked at a local restaurant.
Less than five hours later, a user named Syllabelle had used the information and some impressive Google-fu to track down what appears to be Steezy's family. She posted a link to an adoption registry where a Littleton woman whose information matched his mother was looking for a son born on the same date he was. Sweet success.
Thing is, Syllabelle also posted a link to Steezy's biological sister's page on Model Mayhem, complete with topless pictures of the 20-year-old goth girl. This sort of soured the moment, as the horny 16-year-old boys who dominate Reddit were drawn to the boobs like moths to a flame.
"Suddenly, wincest," wrote fenix_nigger. (Yes. fenix_nigger.)
"His sister is kinda hot. Just sayin'" agreed Bananapeel.
"I hope he faps to this," replied fenix_nigger.
Luckily for our young hero, he avoided getting an eyeful of his own sister's pierced nipples, and any temptation to fap (or masturbate, to those of you not fluent in nerd) to same. His girlfriend checked the link out first and warned him not to look. A mortified Syllabelle explained that she hadn't meant to spring such a dilemma on Steezy: She just hadn't been able to check out the profile before she linked it because Model Mayhem was blocked at her work.
Now -Steezy_wunda_bred- will have a happy reunion with his family. He emailed his mother and was met with an ecstatic reply, which he posted. "I am here and am stunned! I never, ever in a million years, thought you would find me!"
"Syllabelle is an angel," Steezy wrote. "I can't even describe the gratitude I am feeling towards Syllabelle right now. I owe you a serious hug and beer."
But he also begged moderators to delete links that might identify the family: "I'm starting to get a bit freaked by the attention this is getting," he wrote. It must have also freaked out his sister, as she deleted her Model Mayhem account.
We wanted to ask Steezy some more details about his situation (and make sure he wasn't making it all up), but he declined to comment when reached on Reddit. "I'm sorry. I don't want Gawker to know my story before my parents do." Guess his parents aren't Reddit users.
Here we have a story in which Reddit's paradoxical impulses come together perfectly. The massive community has become famous for doing good, raising thousands of dollars for charity and periodically engaging in hunts for lost animals and people, like Steezy's mom. But it's also a favorite haunt for creeps, and a horde of helpful Redditors will often morph into a crazed mob. If you come to Reddit for help, steel yourself.
Reddit user Jayasbell should heed this lesson. After seeing Steezy's success, he posted about his own search for his father in the thread:
His name is Raoul Dahms, and he's a German national who's previously lived/may be still living in the Boston area and is all over the internet for racing hovercraft.
If this guy isn't a troll, I suspect topless pictures is the least-possible weird thing Reddit will turn up on this guy.
[via Ben Turner image via Reddit]