Searching for "sexy Santa" on stock photo website Shutterstock yields 16,414 results, and every single one of them is strange, unsettling, and patently absurd. There is even Santa-girl-on-Santa-girl action! Here are some of the craziest images we found.
It says something very creepy about our culture that we have changed this jolly old man with a bowl full of jelly belly into some sexualized plaything. Also, it is especially creepy considering a formative moment of every child's life is when (s)he realizes that their parents are Santa. That means that, in some strange twist of logic, sexy Santa is really a way for people to have erotic thoughts about their parents at Christmastime.
OK, screw the subtext, now we can just look at attractive people in very, very strange Christmas situations thought up by stock image magicians. Why would you ever need a picture of three half naked people on a sleigh carrying a Christmas tree through the desert? To laugh at, of course.
Speaking of three half naked people on a sleigh carrying a Christmas tree through the desert, here it is. This is like the Mad Max of Christmas photos.
If Whitesnake ever made a Christmas album, it would look just like this.
Is this guy even human?
Stalker Santa is telling two skeptical girls that he's going to handcuff them to his sleigh and make them reach into his "bag of toys" all night.
Screw the camel, this is Mistle Toe.
Where did you find that Christmas tree? Digging through the Dumpster?
A very Maxim Christmas.
"Yeah, I could deep throat this whole thing. Rock 'n' Roll!"
Try to say this with a straight face: naked Santas eating hamburgs on the beach.
Your backstage pass with the Scores Santa.
Why Santa, what a mighty big package you have.
Why Santa, what a mighty big sack you have.
I'd like you to meet Boughs and Holly. Deck them halls!
Pimps up, Ho Ho Hos down.
Santa is about to show his Prancer to two Vixens.
"I'm going to drink your milk and sniff your panties. Oh, don't worry about the stain on my drawers either. Merry Christmas."
Sexi Santa Haz Feeling 2