The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Searching for "sexy Santa" on stock photo website Shutterstock yields 16,414 results, and every single one of them is strange, unsettling, and patently absurd. There is even Santa-girl-on-Santa-girl action! Here are some of the craziest images we found.

It says something very creepy about our culture that we have changed this jolly old man with a bowl full of jelly belly into some sexualized plaything. Also, it is especially creepy considering a formative moment of every child's life is when (s)he realizes that their parents are Santa. That means that, in some strange twist of logic, sexy Santa is really a way for people to have erotic thoughts about their parents at Christmastime.

OK, screw the subtext, now we can just look at attractive people in very, very strange Christmas situations thought up by stock image magicians. Why would you ever need a picture of three half naked people on a sleigh carrying a Christmas tree through the desert? To laugh at, of course.

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Speaking of three half naked people on a sleigh carrying a Christmas tree through the desert, here it is. This is like the Mad Max of Christmas photos.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

If Whitesnake ever made a Christmas album, it would look just like this.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Is this guy even human?

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Stalker Santa is telling two skeptical girls that he's going to handcuff them to his sleigh and make them reach into his "bag of toys" all night.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Screw the camel, this is Mistle Toe.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Where did you find that Christmas tree? Digging through the Dumpster?

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

A very Maxim Christmas.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

"Yeah, I could deep throat this whole thing. Rock 'n' Roll!"

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Try to say this with a straight face: naked Santas eating hamburgs on the beach.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Your backstage pass with the Scores Santa.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Why Santa, what a mighty big package you have.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Why Santa, what a mighty big sack you have.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

I'd like you to meet Boughs and Holly. Deck them halls!

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Pimps up, Ho Ho Hos down.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Santa is about to show his Prancer to two Vixens.

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

"I'm going to drink your milk and sniff your panties. Oh, don't worry about the stain on my drawers either. Merry Christmas."

[Image via Shutterstock]

The Unbelievably Absurd World of Sexy Santa Photos

Sexi Santa Haz Feeling 2

[Image via Shutterstock]