Gays Apologize for Destroying Scandal-Plagued Republican's Marriage

Last week, in the wake of a hot-and-heavy extramarital affair with a male staffer and multiple reprimands from her own Republican party, Minnesota Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch apologized and resigned.

But the affair wasn't her fault: Two years ago, Koch co-authored a Defense of Marriage bill declaring, "A marriage between a man and a woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in Minnesota." The bill did not pass, and consequently the institution of marriage was so degraded that Koch had no choice but to jump in bed with a hot hunk of burning political staffer man love, thereby cheating on her husband.

Minnesota's gays are so sorry that this happened. One Gay, speaking on behalf of All Gays (according to my knowledge of Glee that's how they communicate, like a hive of bees) issued an apology in the pages of Twin Cities alt-weekly City Pages:

An Open Apology to Amy Koch on Behalf of All Gay and Lesbian Minnesotans

Dear Ms. Koch,

On behalf of all gays and lesbians living in Minnesota, I would like to wholeheartedly apologize for our community's successful efforts to threaten your traditional marriage. We are ashamed of ourselves for causing you to have what the media refers to as an "illicit affair" with your staffer, and we also extend our deepest apologies to him and to his wife. These recent events have made it quite clear that our gay and lesbian tactics have gone too far, affecting even the most respectful of our society.

We apologize that our selfish requests to marry those we love has cheapened and degraded traditional marriage so much that we caused you to stray from your own holy union for something more cheap and tawdry. And we are doubly remorseful in knowing that many will see this as a form of sexual harassment of a subordinate.

It is now clear to us that if we were not so self-focused and myopic, we would have been able to see that the time you wasted diligently writing legislation that would forever seal the definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman, could have been more usefully spent reshaping the legal definition of "adultery."

Forgive us. As you know, we are not church-going people, so we are unable to fully appreciate that "gay marriage" is incompatible with Christian values, despite the fact that those values carry a biblical tradition of adultery such as yours. We applaud you for keeping that tradition going.

And finally, shame on us for thinking that marriage is a private affair, and that our marriage would have little impact on anyone's family. We now see that marriage is more than that. It is an agreement with society. We should listen to the Minnesota Family Council when it tells us that marriage is about being public, which explains why marriages are public ceremonies. Never did we realize that it is exactly because of this societal agreement that the entire world is looking at you in shame and disappointment instead of minding its own business.

From the bottom of our hearts, we ask that you please accept our apology.

Thank you.
John Medeiros
Minneapolis MN

Gays Apologize for Destroying Scandal-Plagued Republican's Marriage

Be nicer to the gays, Amy. You owe it to whichever gay convinced you to ditch the dreadful hairdo from the picture on your Wikipedia page. Auburn suits you better. [City Pages, images via MNGOP.com and Wikimedia Commons]