I Got Killed Trying to Slay a Dragon for Ron Paul

We took a stroll over to Ron Paul Forums today — an Internet war room for Paul cultists, not to be confused with Ron Paul War Room — to see how they were doing, after their five years of uninterrupted, thankless organizing for Paul that finally brought him to the top of presidential polls was threatening to come completely undone over the story of his racist newsletters.

The inevitable mass suicide ritual doesn't appear to have gone down yet. They're keeping busy. They've already conclusively determined that CNN's Gloria Borger is an agent for the military-industrial complex, for example. But the best thing we found was a link to this game, in which you can Slay a Dragon for Ron Paul.

It is a game called Dungeoneers. Perhaps you've played it. Perhaps you're playing it right now! Here's the deal: The "Chief Dungeoneer" at this site has offered to donate $5 to this other Paulite organization, one that specializes in mailing something called "The Ron Paul Super Brochure" to voting households, if you slay a dragon in Dungeoneers.

Sure, why not. Now where's this dragon so I can kill the shit out of it?

I Got Killed Trying to Slay a Dragon for Ron Paul

First I had to choose a name, which was not difficult. "A White Dragon is raiding your village," it warned. Good. Bring it, cracker. "Will you defeat the dragon menace?" Well I didn't come all this way just to look at the scenery, did I?

I Got Killed Trying to Slay a Dragon for Ron Paul

Truth be told, the scenery was quite lovely. My first goal was to get to the mines, over by that "TO THE MINES" sign. But to get there I had to step on some hexagons with treasure chests and snakes and nasty potholes, killing anything that moved.

I Got Killed Trying to Slay a Dragon for Ron Paul

I had clue what the hell I was doing, at all. You click one hexagon and maybe a big snake moves to another hexagon and you click on another hexagon and get treasure and then click on other hexagons. You just click on hexagons for a while. Somehow this got me to the mines. How hard could the mines be?

I Got Killed Trying to Slay a Dragon for Ron Paul

So yeah... the mines didn't go so well. There were giant frogs and flying monsters on the hexagons in the mines. They moved to my hexagon and attacked and killed me before I could move to a safe hexagon. "The dragon menace remains," the death screen said, rubbing it in. "Please try again. The villagers are begging you." Oh yeah? How about this: No, and I hope the villagers all die. Especially the children.

Well, I tried to help, but the dragon won. And now Ron Paul will suffer a similar fate, but in politics.