Quiet, everyone, Sen. Chuck Schumer's going to tell us about the latest consumer product he doesn't like. Is it Four Loko? No, he already ruined that. Now he's onto inhalable caffeine.
It's the new dope, found in the clubs!
AeroShot contains powdered caffeine and is the size of a Chapstick. It has the same amount of caffeine as a large cup of coffee.
The maker, Breathable Foods, claims AeroShot is safe for people as young as 12 years old and as a party accessory.
But some doctors and Schumer disagree.
"The truth is, AeroShot is nothing more than a club drug or a party enhancer, designed to give the user the ability to drink until they drop," said Schumer.
Sounds pretty great. No, it sounds horrible. I am ordering four crates online right now. It sounds horrible, though, really, ick.
Between this righteous crusade against all forms of dumb caffeine drinks, along with his role as the Democrats' money man and official liaison to Wall Street and protector of hedge funds' carried interest tax loophole, Chuck Schumer's always getting to the bottom of America's problems.