It's almost New Year's Eve and you're going to go to a party and everyone is going to ask, "What is your New Year's Resolution?" Don't say "quit smoking," "lose weight," or "get a new job," because all of those are bound to fail. Here's a list of some nice easy ones that are all related to pop culture that you can tell people you're working on. They're fun and easy and everyone will think you're fantastic for having them.
Watch a Kardashian Program
Everyone is always running around saying, "God, I hate those Kardashians. They're so awful." Well, have you ever actually watched one of their shows or are you just forming your opinion based on what other people who hate them tell you and gossip reports? Hm? You owe it to yourself to actually investigate the Klan on your own. Watch one of the damn shows. There are several to choose from. Just turn on E!. You'll probably just run into one of them. (If you see a skinny lady talking about dresses, that is Giuliana Rancic. She is not a Kardashian. You have to be nice to her because she has cancer.) I'm not saying you have to like Kim & Ko. Quite the contrary! Just find out what you're missing and have some ammunition for your hatred so you can talk about it coherently.
Buy a TV
If you're one of those people who is all like, "I don't even own a television," then you need to get one. Now. Because that shit is wearing thin and no one thinks you're virtuous because of it. They just think you are a pompous asshole who has nothing interesting to talk about at parties. Yes, you may download all your TV shows and watch DVDs, but a computer is no place for great movies! I'm not saying you have to get cable (but you should, if only for Swamp People) but get a damn television set and hook your computer up to it. When you're staring at 40 inches of entertainment glory you'll thank us—and everyone won't think you're a prick anymore.
Hate Jennifer Aniston Less
Maybe this is just a resolution for me, but man do I hate Jennifer Aniston. Why? I don't know, I just do. Maybe it's because she makes crappy movie and Brad Pitt left her and she's just an avatar for all our collective self-loathing and sadness. But she has a hot new boyfriend now! She's on the mend. And she still looks
great good. This year, let's give it up for Jennifer Aniston. Sorry, Renee Zellweger, I'm going to hate you for eternity.
Learn to Like New Music
Yes, the music you listened to in high school and college was good. It was great! But that doesn't mean you can stop finding new bands and cultivating taste in music. This year, go out and find a new favorite band, or at least a good new album. It doesn't matter if you find it from a song on Gossip Girl or a music blog or from a recommendation of someone whose taste you trust. Just go out there and find something. Cause there is lots of new, great stuff out there that you will like, no matter what your taste is. That and REM broke up. I know, rough.
Read a Whole Book Without Pictures
Just one! I know, it sounds like homework, but that's not too much to ask, is it? I mean, you have vacations, so you could knock one one then. Or just read a few pages each night before you go to bed. Something. Just read a whole book. Not stupid Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book or some other bullshit they sell in airports—a good one that will make you smarter and expand your outlook on the universe and make you into a better person. The Secret doesn't count either. But The Hunger Games does. Quick, you have until March 23 to finish it!
Pay More Attention to Paz de la Huerta
There is a wonderfully messy force of nature out in the world and her name is Paz de la Huerta. She likes to go to parties and get messy and let her dress fall off and get in fights and say inappropriate things and she is awesome. She is also naked on Boardwalk Empire but who cares. What happened to all our professional messes? Paris cleaned up her act and got banished to irrelevance. Britney Spears got medicated into zombiedom. Lindsay Lohan is such a disaster that she's now a sad cliche. Who do we have? Paz! Start paying attention, people, because we want to talk about her all the time!
Retire the Word "Fail" as a Noun
This isn't really pop culture, it's just life. Stop saying "fail." I don't want to hear about "Movie Fail" or "Post Fail" or "List Fail." I certainly don't want to hear about "Life Fail" or "Erection Fail" or "Face Fail." This is just stupid internet jargon and you are a smarter person than that. You know a lot of words that can express the situation without resorting to a silly, hackneyed shortcut. Use your words. Oh, we're also retiring "epic." And if you say "Epic Fail" I will personally come over to your house and explode you with lasers.
See a Foreign Film or Documentary in the Theater
I love a popcorn movie as much as Larry the Cable Guy, but there is so much cinema out there in the world, that you should give something else a chance. Go see something that is not in English. People think that Americans are fat and lazy and only care about our own culture (all true) but let's show them that we're not. We're not too stupid to read along with a movie and get it. We're not too apathetic to care about other parts of the world and foreign people and the horrible situations happening out there. Show people that you are smart, interesting, and well-rounded. Then go get in line for The Avengers because it's going to be fucking awesome.
Only See 3D Movies Filmed in 3D
Since we're talking about The Avengers and teaching people lessons, let's teach Hollywood that we understand their stupid 3D game. Joss Whedon announced his Avengers will be shown in 3D even though it was filmed in 2D (fruity). The mysterious third dimension will be added in post-production. This always makes movies look terrible. And then they charge you $18 to see it and you don't even get to keep the damn glasses! It's a fucking rip off. 3D can be great. Avatar was amazing and Hugo was spectacular, but those were filmed to be seen the way we saw them in the theater. This year, don't give Hollywood your extra $5 for their stupid con. Wait for the 3D movies that are really going to be a treat.
Stop Whining about Spoilers
What pop cultural goals are you setting for yourself in 2012? Let us know!