The Queen Probably Did Not Murder the Dead Woman Found on Her EstateS

A dead woman has been found on Queen Elizabeth's country estate! "We are at the very early stages of the investigation and it could be a complex inquiry," says Detective Chief Inspector Jes Fry. I know what you're thinking: the Queen murdered someone!

As it turns out, no, the Queen is not technically a suspect at this stage in the investigation. But given that police have no information about the victim—who was discovered by a dog walker—who knows how far up this thing goes!?

Fry said: "How far back this investigation goes depends on what the experts say. We are looking at missing persons reports nationwide as well as cases we have been working on more locally for potential links.

[..]

"The body has been in situ for some time but I can't comment on whether that is weeks, months or years. It is the body of a female but I cannot comment on her age.

"I cannot confirm whether she was clothed because, at the moment, only my staff, the person who found the body and the person or people who put it there know that and I would like it to stay that way. The body was found by a dog walker and was not underground. At this stage we do not know who the victim is."

Here's how we predict this mystery will turn out: DCI Fry will gather the entire royal family in the parlor room of the estate, where he will lay out several competing theories for the murder—as everyone in the family had a motive—before ultimately revealing that the body is the real Queen Elizabeth, and the United Kingdom has been ruled by an impostor for the last decade! And then the fake Queen Elizabeth will pull out a pistol and threaten everyone before Kate disarms her and the credits roll. (Starring Rowan Atkinson as a bumbling patrolman.)

[The Guardian; image via AP]