1988 Iowa caucus runner-up Pat Robertson — that's still funny, isn't it? — is getting disturbingly cocky in his regular secret magical chit-chats with The Almighty these days.
"I spent the better part of a week in prayer," he explained on today's 700 Club, "and just saying, ‘God show me something.'" Listen to the nonchalant way he rattles this off. Does he really talk to God like this? God, God, I need the dirt, the hot stuff, the real grimy shit, and I need it right now so let's hurry the hell up. But it must be working, because God acquiesced and even told Robertson who'll be the next president! Oh, what's that? Sorry, he can't tell us.
Millions of hours of trivial media campaign trail distractions and the dangerous wait-and-see-who-wins political gridlock that will dominate Washington in 2012 could all be wiped away if Pat Robertson would just tell us who's gonna win this thing. But Robertson's slick enough at his advanced age to not announce the specifics of his gossip anymore. He doesn't need another "I guarantee you by the end of 1982 there is going to be a judgment on the world" to deal with. In any event:
I spent the better part of a week in prayer and just saying, ‘God show me something,' some things I'll share with you. I think he showed me the next me the next president but I'm not supposed to talk about that so I'll leave you in the dark-probably just as well-I think I'll know who it will be. I'm going to read just as I wrote down as if I'm hearing from the Lord these words.
Robertson then explains how he tried to get God to tell him what terrible event is coming 2012, because God was hinting that there's one coming — I mean God was really hyping this sucker — and so doesn't God kind of *need* to spill it out after being such a tease? Don't be a dick, God:
So I'm saying, God, let me give you some suggestions and you tell me if any of them is right, pick one. I said, is it an EMP blast? No that isn't it. Is it a cosmic or solar or radiation blast? No. Is it Mayan galaxy alignment? No. Is it Iranian or North Korean nuclear threat? No. Is it an earthquake or a volcano? No. Is it a massive power failure? No. What is it? It's an economic collapse. And God said, This is not my judgment, they are bringing it upon themselves.
Look at the INSANE apocalyptic scenarios Pat Robertson guesses before coming around to the obvious apocalypse that will happen in 2012, of the global economic system. EMP BLAST? MAYAN GALAXY ALIGNMENT? NUKE/QUAKE/'CANO/"POWER FAILURE"? No, idiot, the freaking huge thing that's clearly on schedule to collapse in 2012 is the thing that's going to collapse. Maybe Pat Robertson doesn't know what the economy even is. "Economy"... Is it a black thing? We'll never understand why God gabs with such a moron. Maybe he doesn't.
Update: Oops! Robertson was the runner-up in Iowa in 1988, not the winner. It is now "still funny" instead of "still really funny." I will go and fire myself now.