Gwyneth Paltrow Now Sells GOOP Colon Cleanses

The punchline you have been waiting for since Gwyneth Paltrow launched luxury lifestyle cult GOOP has arrived: Now introducing THE GOOP CLEANSE, a Paltrow-branded digestive cleansing kit.

A modified version of the actress' beloved "go-to cleanse," THE GOOP CLEANSE costs $425 and consists of the following:

• Nourish: Protein powder
Move: Fiber powder
• Clear 1: Probiotic anti-microbial
• Balance: Insulin regulator
• Cleanse Manual
Ease: Digestive enzyme
• Encourage: Strong probiotic
• Clear 2: Herbal anti-microbial
• Relief: Liver support
• Recipe Guide

Emphasis mine. Basically, it's a bunch of dietary supplements that, when blended into protein shakes and consumed with leafy greens, will cleanse your body of "toxins" and your digestive system of, um, goop. Celebitchy notes that this is "the third year running" that Paltrow has recommended starting the New Year with a prolonged act of bowel terrorism. Luckily, Gwyneth Paltrow farts are carbon-neutral mists of shimmering moonbeams and vaporized diamonds. By teaching the world to fart the way she does, Gwyneth may actually be able to reverse global warming. [GOOP, The Goop Cleanse By Clean, Celebitchy]