How to Talk to Real Live WomenS

We know how it is. You were raised completely by the internet, your entire personality is an online creation, and though you're suave on IM, the prospect of chatting up a girl in person is a strange and terrifying prospect. Some of you have been reduced to paying hundreds of dollars to professional wingpersons to help you approach women in public. Fret not, lovelorn computer aliens. Help is here.

You've come to the right place for advice. (The internet.) We talked to some ladies in person once, back in the 90s (so drunk). Read, learn, and prepare—for love. Here is How to Talk to Real Live Human Ladies, In Real Life:

The Setting

Ask yourself: where do women congregate? Hot cheerleader locker rooms and hot sorority pillow parties, yes, but you can't get in there. Try a bar—on Ladies Night. Brother, you're halfway home.

The Grooming

This isn't the internet. You can't just expect to walk around masturbating and have ladies flock to you. You have to build up to that. Step one, dress nicely, and—Power User Protip—smell good. That means cologne. Buy it, use it, drink it, fresh breath, makeout party, third base, home run. Look it up. More is more, fellas.

The Entrance

So you're at the party and all the ladies are there. Now what? Hmm. Lemme think.

The Approach

So you're at the party and all the ladies are there. Now what? I'll tell you, because I know. So you go up to the girl over there, the pretty one (why not?) and you're like, "Hey, excuse me, is your name Melissa?" And she's like "No." And you're like "Oh okay sorry, I thought I knew you from school or something, and your name was Melissa." And she's like "No, sorry." And you're like "Oh okay yeah, you just kind of looked like her." And she's like "Okay," and then she turns back to the conversation she was having before." And you're like "She was really pretty." And she turns back, kind of distracted and vaguely annoyed, and she's like "Sorry, what?" And you're like "She was really pretty, I said." And she's like "Who?" And you're like "Melissa." And she kind of looks at you for a long moment with a quizzical look on her face like she really seriously doesn't know what you're talking about, and kind of smiles politely and says "Okay," and starts to turn back to her other conversation again. And you're like "HI, I'M NICK" (yelling).

Now That the Ice Is Broken

Careful! This is the most delicate part of the operation: reeling her in. Good things to talk about with ladies include arts, entertainment, technology, health, national, international, opinion, and other sections of the newspaper, such as Health (women's only). Talking to girls is just like riding a bike! In the sense that you must always keep your feet moving in order to keep yourself positioned between her and any ready avenues of escape. The more awkward you can make her feel, the more likely she is to agree to go out with you as a last, desperate tactic to save herself from further conversation. Some women are unable to have children. Is she? Better ask now before it becomes an issue later in your relationship.

The Next Step

Here you must make a critical determination: should you "go in for the kill," or be satisfied to get her number (another word for email address) and walk away? The wrong choice could cost you everything. So take a deep breath, concentrate, gaze into her very soul, and ask yourself: is she super drunk?

Closing the Deal

You step in a mite closer, touch her arm warmly, and whisper into her ear, "Want to get out of here?" She turns around from the other conversation she was having and says, "Sorry, what?" And you're like "Oh I was just saying, you know, asking if you want to get out of here." And she's like "You're that guy from earlier. I told you my name's not Melissa, right?" And you're like "Haha, yeah, right, I mean, that was unrelated, I was just..." And she's like "Have you been standing there the whole time?" And you're like "So anyhow, want to get out of here?" And she's like "No thanks," with a sort of tight smile on her face (good sign). And you're like "Well as Jay-Z says, 'on to the next one,' haha. 'Big pimpin' and whatnot." And now you're really getting into the groove.

Alternately, her name could turn out to be Melissa.

[Image via Tom Godber/ Flickr]