No, You Should Not Grope Your Teen Niece's Tits, Even If She Is Transgender

Last week, rage-tastic The Fighter director David O. Russell was doing "abdominal exercises" with his 19-year-old transgender niece and "asked questions about her transformation." Then, according to TMZ, this happened:

The niece — who does NOT have a blood relation to Russell — told cops they began to talk about her breasts ... and how certain hormones she's taking have made them larger.

According to the report, the niece claims Russell then "put his hands under [her] top and felt both breasts."

According to the report, Russell told cops his niece asked him to "pinky swear" that he would never tell anyone about the incident.

In the report, cops say Russell insisted he repeatedly asked his niece if she was ever uncomfortable during the incident... and claims she gave consent.

In the police report, one of the investigators notes, "Russell stated [his niece] is always causing drama since the transgender transformation and has become very provocative and seductive."

I can't believe we have to say this out loud, but apparently we do: Uncles of the world, do not grope your teen nieces' breasts. Even if you still think of her as a boy. Even if she is "seductive" and legally an adult. The rules for avuncular creepiness are pretty damn clear on this one: If it is a situation in which you might say, "My-oh-my, how you've grown. I still remember when you were a flat-chested toddler, but wow-oh-wow, you've certainly blossomed into womanhood now. Oh, no, don't be ashamed. Let your special uncle take a look. Please excuse the cold hands. Our little secret. Pinky swear?" then DO NOT PROCEED.

Russell's case is currently under investigation, though the director "emphatically denies any wrongdoing." (Maybe he thought he'd wandered onto the set of Nip/Tuck, as directed by Woody Allen?) He has "cooperated fully with the authorities." But, just for the record and in case anyone else is wondering: No, middle-aged men should not grope teen relatives' sex organs. No good can possibly come from an uncle's hands on his teen niece's bare breasts.

[TSG, TMZ, Russell with 'Fighter' star Amy Adams via Getty]

Update: A spokesman for the Broward County Sheriff's Office says the investigation into Russell has been closed. The director's publicist issued the following statement:

We are pleased that the authorities have looked into this matter and have confirmed that the investigation has been concluded and the case has been closed.

I asked how David's relationship with his niece is doing. "Yeah, I don't have a comment on that," the publicist said.