Chimera Monkeys Are Coming for Your BabyS

Implant cancer! Brain melting! Autism vaccines! Big tumor! Drug users! Chimera monkeys! Face transplants! Yoga danger! And the future of your baby, made clear! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but not for long!

  • Were you thinking of blaming your faulty leaky breast implants for your cancer? Sorry, they're not at fault. All they caused were your silicone-leaking nipples. Which don't seem all that bad now, do they? Not to Derek.
  • After age 40, your brain will start wasting away like the soft ball of mush that it is. I was going to make jokes here about you being old and not grasping this item, but there's little point in expending the effort, given your faulty memory.
  • "I say there's a link between autism and vaccines, and if you disagree I will sue you!" If you see a guy talking like this, brother, you better just run the other way. You just met Nick Denton.
  • Some guy in Vietnam had a 200-pound tumor on his leg. Haha, man.
  • How many illegal drug users do you think there are worldwide? Two hundred million? Well, yes. That's right. How did you know that? Oh, you have a Google Alert for "illegal drugs," huh? It's "for your job?" Sure. What's your name, Max Read? Oh, it is.
  • Sir. Sir. I'm afraid I must report that.. it's happened. They've combined the embryos. The chimera monkey. It's here. The chimera monkey has been unleashed. Awaiting your orders sir. There's little hope for us now, but we'll go down fighting. The men all have their monkey swords at the ready, sir.
  • Now NObama wants government bureaucrats regulating your hand and face transplants. I, George Wallace's ghost, will stand chained to this ghost laboratory until the great state of Alabama can decide for itself whose face to transplant, or not! And that goes double for hands!
  • We're all familiar with the ways that yoga can destroy your body. But are you familiar with the, ah, the way that, let's see here... I really used the punchline in the first line here. Fuck yoga though, regardless, we can all agree, fuck yoga. Little technical error folks but let's not get distracted over our yoga fucking.
  • Instead of "growing out of it," will your baby's colicky sleep woes just increase and increase until you're stuck with a screaming teenage baby that never sleeps, ever? Yes, assuming your baby doesn't die first.
[Due to a looming ban on exclamation points this may be the last Health Watch for some time! Don't do anything healthy until we return! Or else! Photo: dboy/ Flickr]