A long time ago, in a kingdom far far away, there lived a pretty princess named Kim. Princess Kim was the most beautiful rich and famous girl in the whole Magic Kindgom. But one day, a living mouse took away everything she had and left her completely ruined. Come, children. Listen to the sad, sad story of Princess Kim.
You see, when Princess Kim was cast out of the Magic Kingdom, she had nothing, but she had gotten so used to being treated like, well, she was going to be queen one day. She had servants and subjects and pretty gowns and treasures, the most sparkling beautiful treasures that you could imagine. Now, she had nothing at all. She was dressed in a sack cloth and sent to live in this horrible world where all the houses were small boxes that all looked the same and the people lead hum drum lives marked only by going to get pizza on Friday nights and raising a few kids on their little patch of lawn. This dreadful prison was called The Valley.
One day in The Valley, Princess Kim found a sparkly pink party dress. She hadn't seen such a thing since she lived in the Magic Kingdom, and she had to put it on right away. She put on that party dress and she felt pretty and sparkly, just like the dress. She felt amazing and she could forget about her awful life there in The Valley, because she had it again, everything she lost. And out of the corner of her eye she could see them out there in the distance: her treasures, sparkling in the sunlight, calling out to her. She would get them back, those treasures.
Every day, Princess Kim would put on her party dress and she would look for her treasures, but it was getting harder and harder to find them. She had to put on the dress more and more and it was starting to get all frayed and worn and she didn't feel as pretty as she used to. It was starting to mess with her life. She was late all the time. She couldn't be on time for anything and she always had to make up lies and excuses, even to her sister Princess Kyle, who had flowing black hair, a deadly sleeve allergy, and the ugliest gold sunglasses you ever saw in your life. (If such things could be established as facts, it would be a fact that Princess Kyle has bad taste.)
Just when Princess Kim's life was getting too hard to handle, she found a rock. But this just wasn't any rock, it was a special rock. It was her best friend. She painted a face on it and named it Pumice. She would carry this rock around wherever she went and it was great to use for lies. She would tell people, "I can't come out, I'm at home with Pumice. I'm so happy to be there." But she just wanted to lie around in her party dress on the couch dreaming about her treasures and watching reruns of Pawn Stars.
One day, she was ordered by Princess Kyle and her husband, Prince Mauricio, to go to the far off kingdom of Hawaii where they would all get lei'd in the world's oldest and lamest joke. There was going to be a huge banquet for Prince Mauricio's birthday and all of their friends will be there, with their diamond tiaras sitting atop Botoxed faces and sparkly gold hair. Oh, and the chambermaid Brandi, who everyone finds amusing, she'll be there too. God, Kim really hates that fucking chambermaid.
Anyway, Kim had to go on the trip, but everyone hates her party dress, because it is brown and sparkly and has a big, giant bow right at the throat. They told her, "God, Princess Kim, don't bring that awful party dress you're wearing. Leave it at home." She tried to, but she couldn't. She said she had to pack her party dress and her rock boyfriend, Pumice, or else she wasn't coming.
The problem was, she couldn't find her dress. Everyone was waiting at the airport to take their flying carriage to Hawaii and Princess Kim was at home, tearing through drawers looking for her party dress and not coming up with anything. When they called she said, "Oh, I lost my license or, um, it expired and I, um, I don't have my passport. Or maybe I lost my keys. I don't know. I'm on my way. No, I'm at home. Where is my dress! I mean, passport. Where is it?"
Princess Kyle got so angry and demanded Princess Kim show up now! But she didn't. She missed her flight and showed up a day after everyone else. Princess Kyle was so mad but everyone else just shrugged their shoulders and didn't care, because the last thing they wanted to see was Princess Kim stumbling up to the party in her damn dress again.
When Princess Kim finally arrived at the magical compound where Prince Mauricio was having his great banquet, a strange thing happened. She was holding her rock boyfriend Pumice and crying about being so mistreated by everyone and missing all her treasures. Then her tears fell on the rock with a face painted on it, and suddenly all the sky began to glow and the vines around her grew inches and inches and circled around her and the rock. There was a grating creak everywhere, like a mountain had started to do a jig or the earth was going to open up and swallow her whole. This magical place had done it's trick and now Pumice wasn't a rock anymore, he was a real boy, a real actual boy. "I will help you, Kim. I love you in that dress. I have one just like it," he said in a slow baritone, getting used to the thick tongue that just sprouted in his craggy mouth.
Princess Kim dragged Pumice down to the first of the formal banquets. This was the first time she had seen any of the other guests, and they were all impatient. "Where have you been?" And Princess Kim said, "Pumice had to work." And Prince Mauricio said, "He is a rock. He does not have a job." And Princess Kim said, "This is the one day he had to work." And Prince Mauricio said, "What about your license and your passport and your keys?" And Princess Kim said, "Listen, Maurice!" And Prince Mauricio said, "Listen here, you skank in a nasty dress. My name is Prince Mauricio and you will address me as such!!"
Oh, Princess Kim ruined yet another dinner. The next morning, the royal court was going to go on a ship for a three hour tour where they would lie in the sun and laugh and giggle and someone would try to snatch off chambermaid Brandi's bikini bottoms and they would all laugh at her—the little commoner, the little slave. They waited and waited at the dock for Princess Kim to show up, but she was on the floor of her hotel room passed out on top of her party dress, which was strewn about the room. Once again, she missed the boat (quite literally, as she would point out).
She woke up late and ran for the dock with Pumice, but just as they were pulling in, the boat was pulling out. Princess Kim had fucked up once again. But she went home and sat with Pumice in the jungle, eating food and talking to each other in their own special language that sounds something like English but no one who is not wearing a party dress can understand it. It is the language of magic.
There was another banquet that night, and Princess Kim and her squire, Pumice, arrived and they assaulted Adrienne, who is the queen of a race of strange creatures known as the Maloofs that live under the mountain. Pumice ran up to her and said, "I know you're talking about me. Why are you saying mean things about me? I am a rock that became a man!" And Queen Adrienne said, "I have said nothing bad about you, my man. In fact, quite the opposite. I have been extolling your virtues to my young charge here. Now, if you wouldn't mind backing away, I do not appreciate your tone, young rock formation."
Pumice apologized, but it was just like what would happen at dinner. Princess Kim never apologized for missing the point. She just wanted to pretend like it never happened. "Everything happens for a reason," she kept saying. Yes, this happened for the reason that she was too wasted from wearing her party dress to get up in the morning. That is what happened. That is the reason. It was that Princess Kim was ignoring that reason that pissed everyone off.
When Princess Kyle brought up the license and the lying and the lateness again, it was more than Pumice could handle. "We don't care," he said to her about her plights and gripes as bad as Achilles. He said it again, his mouth opening like one of the ancient volcanoes there in Hawaii, a red glow seeping out from the back of his throat, and as he opened his mouth, the ground began to rumble like magma would spurt out of it at any moment and as he spoke, a harsh wind blew up, pushing back the hair of all the ladies in attendance. "We. Don't. Care," he rumbled. He did not care.
"That's it," Princess Kim said. "We're leaving." She picked up her gold lamé bag and ran out to the bus that would take them back to her hotel room, strewn over with the partying of the night before. When they got on the bus, Princess Kim was shaking and anxious. She didn't know what to do. But she had her party dress in her bag. She took it out and put it on right away and sunk into Pumice's arms. "There, there," he said, patting her head. "Doesn't that feel better."
And it did. She felt great. She felt all the warmth and wonder that she felt back in the Magic Kingdom in her youth. She felt calm and comforted and happy to be with Pumice, because no one on earth mattered but him. Everyone else wanted to keep her from her dress, and that isn't what she wanted at all. She wanted sparkle and drama. She wanted fame and love. She had it now, if only in her own mind.
Yes, she put on her party dress and looked out the windows of the bus heading along a vacant stretch in Hawaii. She could see herself and her dress vaguely reflected in the window as it cruised by the shore. She was looking at the green hills, covered in grass and trees, lapped by the waves. She was staring at the land, so gorgeous that it seemed to be lit from underneath, like the mossy bottom of an aquarium. That's when she thought she saw it, right outside the window: her treasure. "Oh, it's so close," she said as she reached out her hand at the illusion. "It's so close," she clawed at the mirage of diamonds and emeralds and other square jewels somewhere in the depths of the sky. "Close," she said, as her party dress closed around her throat and cut off her air for good.
That is how Princess Kim died, choked by her own dress. When she died, she turned into a pile of dust and blew out of the bus somewhere into the distance, in the direction of her treasure. When Kim was gone, her dress lay empty in Pumice's hands for a moment and then it too turned to ash. Without Kim or her dress, Pumice quickly turned back into a rock, a real rock, and plunked to the floor, rolling to the back of the bus and slamming against the door with a bang. The magic was gone for good.
Well, that's how it could have ended, but it didn't. We don't know the end yet, but it looks like Princess Kim has throw out her party dress for good and is back in the real world. You can do it, Princess Kim. We know you can.