The Year in Dumb, Convoluted, and Non-Terrifying Terror Plots

Once again this week, the FBI has foiled an incredibly unconvincing terror plot replete with plans that fail to strike fear in the heart of any American. Sami Osmakac, a 25 year-old in Tampa, Florida, has been arrested for allegedly plotting to destroy bridges and bomb nightclubs in the name of Islam. Anyone who's been to Florida knows that destroying nightclubs in Tampa would be a great public service, to the United States of America.

Dumb guy with bad intentions? Maybe. Evil sinister cog in Islamofascist terrorist machine? Hardly. The Tampa Nightclub bomber is only the latest in America's foiled fake terror plots. A look at the past year in terror:

  • The Waffle House Terrorists: Last November, the FBI foiled the alleged plans of a bunch of old men in Georgia who plotted to sit around talking tough and eating cheap breakfast platters.
  • The Sombrero Terror Alert: After a fast law enforcement response, the FBI determined that the five young men caught in a Texas courthouse "running through a hallway in Mexican sombreros that they took from a law library and also playing with a courtroom gavel" were just drunk, not terrorists. This time.
  • White Powder of Terror: To be on the safe side, we still call out an army of investigators every time white powder is found anywhere for any purpose. So far, everything's turned out okay. So far.
  • Remote Control Terror Plane: Last September, the FBI arrested 26 year-old Rezwan Ferdaus for "plotting to use a large remote controlled aircraft packed with C-4 plastic explosives to attack the Pentagon and the U.S. Capitol." Damages to windows could have been moderate, or even severe.
  • Mystery Airplane Terror Graffiti: Southwest Airlines was struck by a rash of alarming terrorist doodles on the underside of its planes, which kind of looked some sort of terrorist Muslin sword, or maybe it was just somebody wiping off their fingers. No planes were brought down by the symbols.
  • Thwarting Hair-orists: Without regard to color or creed, our nation's brave TSA agents are searching the hair of anyone with big hair, lest it conceal, I don't know, a fucking bomb I guess. Thanks to their efforts, US airspace has been hair bomb free for as long as anyone can remember.
  • Cyborg Terrorists: How long before they exist?
  • The War Against Overreaction: When a guard at a federal building found an unidentified package last March, he put it in the lost and found area. It sat there for three weeks, until an X-ray revealed that it "might contain a bomb."
  • Keeping Our Soup Safe: NYPD first responders saved ABC News staffers from a menacing packet of instant soup.
  • Al-Qaeda Has Accessed Wikipedia: FBI intelligence reports indicated that Middle Eastern terrorists have not only heard of "Wall Street," but have actually discussed the names of wealthy banking executives who work on Wall Street. All they have to do now is everything that goes into actually committing a crime.
  • The Red Menace Lurks: The Cold War shall never end. In January, left-wing Commies set off a small bomb in Davos. No one was injured. The act was quickly forgotten. Life continued on. May our children never have to pay such a price.
[Photo of terror plane, approximately actual size: AP]