Who Wants to Buy The New Republic?

Old Arab-hating literary tycoon Marty Peretz is putting his beloved Washington treasure The New Republic — the "in-flight magazine of Air Force One," according to a movie about how much of its content was completely fabricated — on the market, again. Who should purchase this esteemed leftist journal of moderately regulated capitalism and hella warmaking?

The sale, according to the Wall Street Journal, will be handled by the Blackstone Group, which will "reach out to various media companies" and then extract a large fee. The two names mentioned are Bloomberg LP and News Corp. We can all hope that it's sold to Rupert Murdoch, purely for laughs. But where's the creativity in slipping down that omniscient suckhole so quickly? Let's run through a few more Power Buyers.

  • Bain Capital: As we hear so often the news nowadays, the private equity firm Bain Capital is great at sucking up companies, "looting" them, and then discarding them in the trash can of Creative Destruction. If they just agree to light the trash can on fire afterwards, this seems like the most popular move for The New Republic.
  • Joe Lieberman: As the old Senate Lion from Connecticut retires from politics and looks for a means of filling the gaps between lobbying stints, owning the magazine that put its full thrust behind Lieberman's political career and presidential candidacy in the mid-2000s could be the sinecure that the poor man's Emperor Palpatine so desires.
  • The Daniel Abrams Media Network: Whoops, they already have The Jane Dough to fill this niche.

There are no other options. But maybe you can think of some, in the comments!