It's time to cover the results of the First Primary in the Nation, New Hampshire — that famous outlier among the Republican coalition that doesn't tell you much about anything! Mitt Romney is expected to win, but will he win by enough? That's how we're sucking you in tonight. If Mitt Romney doesn't get 52% of the vote, or let's say 100%, his campaign is over. Grab your assault rifle and poor a beer down your ear, as we watch — together.
7:32 — 4% of results in! Romney 37%, Paul 24%, Huntsman 15%. Okay. The big question tonight, aside from whether Mitt Romney can get 32% or 34%, is whether friendly protectionist southerner Buddy Roemer can beat Rick Perry. Then the question becomes: Who is Rick Perry? That is the question now!
7:45 — If *you* are in New Hampshire and have terrible things to send us — photos, videos, candy — please email to firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll have a grand old time. All polls will be closed at 8 and then hopefully it will be over soon and forever!
7:54 — They are dying to call the race already on our preferred inadvertent comedy network, CNN. Wolf Blitzer assures us that due to CNN's dignity, they can't call a race before polls close. Perhaps they can hold another panel promising that Mitt Romney will win instead? John King is playing with a screen. Here's some county in New Hampshire, he says. One guy's winning there, okay, got it.
8:00 — MITT ROMNEY WINS!
8:03 — "There'll also be a battle for number four" — Wolf Blitzer. "If that means anything."
8:07 — Romney is expected to reach his 35% threshold, Paul to place second, and Huntsman third. That quite possibly means that Huntsman will drop out, unless his rich daddy cuts a check for South Carolina.
8:11 — Mitt Romney is getting ready to speak! The CNN man is giving old people in Charleston, South Carolina buzzers — nay, dials — that they fuck around with to show how much they approve of the candidates while they're speaking.
8:13 — Huntsman voters? Yeah, total commies: "51% of those in exit polls who said they voted for Huntsman said they are satisfied with Obama's job as President."
8:15 — A child CNN reporter talks to Huntsman's campaign manager about whether he'll drop out now: Any talk of that, he said, — "I can't use the word — it rhymes with bullspit." Total bullsnit.
8:21 — Jon Huntsman is getting trashed tonight.
8:25 — Why it's Mrs. Ann Romney and the boys, Tagg, Hommer, Flop, Twat and Tumnus.
8:27 — Mitt Romney thanks New Hampshire for its services and will not fire it. President Obama is now "a failed president." [HUGE APPLAUSE]
8:29 — South Carolina Republican voters get very excited when metaphors about Obama's doom and condemnation into the fiery pits of Hell are made. We're going back to that Shining City on the Hill!
8:32 — "This president takes his inspiration from the capitals of Europe." He's in bed with Paris, Vienna, Stockholm, gently licking their silk stockings with the tip of his tongue.
8:36 — This speech is the thinnest of airs, void of content. This is precisely how you get to be a presidential nominee. No fucking clue who these people chanting "MITT MITT MITT" in the crowd are; let's assume bused-in Canadians.
8:40 — Mitt Romney used a teleprompter, as MSNBC is gleefully pointing out.
8:43 — Herman Cain has 33 votes!
8:54 — Well umm, guys. I think the primary is over? We've put in an hour, so... goodbye! We'll leave this as an open thread and come back to add stuff, if insane things happen, or jump in the comments occasionally. Or go to bed! Thanks for coming. America turned a corner today etc.
[Images via AP]