Don't Fuck With My Thin Mints, You Evil, Transgender-Averse Girl Scout

This is Taylor, of Ventura, California. Taylor, up until now, has been a loyal and devoted member of the Girl Scouts. But after the Girl Scouts of Colorado decided to allow a transsexual seven-year-old named Bobby Montoya into their ranks, Taylor has decided to turn heel: In an astonishing act of Scout sedition, Taylor has called for a boycott of Girl Scout cookies.

"Girl Scouts describes itself as an all-girl experience," says Taylor. "With that label, families trust that the girls will be in an environment that is not only nurturing and sensitive to girls' needs, but also safe for girls... I am asking you to take action with me and boycott Girl Scout Cookies."

This is so annoying. First off, Taylor, your Girl Scouts are EVIL. Their primary mission is to boost the self-esteem of small girls. But how do they fund this venture? By pressuring you into buying irresistible cookies that make you hate yourself after you've eaten an entire fucking box. Girl Scouts are sinister confidence leeches. Their orgasmic peanut butter Do-Si-Dos bleed us dry of all self-worth and fill us with saturated fat, leaving countless bloated and damaged people in the wake.

And an aside, Taylor: Nobody wants to boycott Girl Scout cookies because everybody loves Girl Scout cookies. God, they are so good. If it wasn't for the consequences of a slow metabolism, I would buy sixty boxes and eat them all in one sitting, alternating between frozen thin mints, frozen Tagalongs (with that peanut butter crack center that make the whole thing like a PB Max and FUCK I NEED ONE NOW), and those coconutty Samoas with the caramel underneath and DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH YOUR PRODUCT?

Secondly, Taylor, we're talking about a seven-year-old boy named Bobby who I assume likes to dress up like a girl. Big fucking deal. Let him in. It's a Girl Scout troop. You stay an hour after school and bake cupcakes. There's no group cervical cancer check at a Girl Scout meeting. They aren't teaching each other proper lesbian scissoring technique. If a little boy wants to do girly shit, let him. He's a little boy. Gender at that age doesn't MEAN anything. If this were a group of 17-year-old girls and they were all teaching each other how to practice proper horseplay in the shower, then, yeah, I'd get why you'd have a practical issue with having a boy around, regardless of his sexual orientation. But this is a seven-year-old. An innocent, child-like seven-year-old, who doesn't understand matters of sexual politics. Bobby wants to stitch quilts and tumble around on gymnastic mats, Taylor. What's so wrong with that?

I resent you, Taylor, for making a national issue out of something so utterly trivial and threatening something so utterly delicious. One boy in Colorado wants to join the Girl Scouts, and now the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD is supposed to just abstain from Thin Mints? Screw you, lady. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PUSHED THIS SHIT ON US TO BEGIN WITH. You were the one who showed up at our doors, batting your eyes and asking for money to help all the little girls of the world, and hooking us on your chocolatey, caramely treats. And now we're supposed to quit just because there's a vestigial penis in a Colorado sewing circle? BULLSHIT. If you don't like the policy, do what any Girl Scout does: Make a tasteful collage out of random magazine pictures to get your point across. Don't drag me into your war. All I wanted was a Tagalong.