I do not watch football. In fact, I have a deep-seated loathing for the very game of football that goes back to the cold Sundays I was forced to endure with my family at
Foxboro Gillette Stadium. I hate football. But that doesn't mean there aren't some football players I want to bone.
Since I've been tasked with previewing this weekend's NFL Playoffs (and in exchange AJ Daulerio will be recapping the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Tuesday) I thought I had to keep my predictions of what the games would be like consistent with the only thing about this I care about. Here is my assessment of the potential victors based entirely on who I would love to have throw a Hail Mary into my tight end. Yeah, I know I didn't cover all the teams or even get all the games but, whatever. Who cares? It's only football!
Broncos Vs. Patriots
The Denver Broncos
Tim Tebow (QB): I know. I know. He is an awful person who hates abortions and probably likes gay people even less. I can't help it. I want to have gross, nasty hate sex with Tim Tebow so fucking bad I can hardly even talk about it without getting a flagrant foul in my pants. Especially because he's a virgin. Wouldn't it be so great for a Bible beater like Tebow to have his first time be with a giant homosexual? (But no matter how big of a homosexual I might be, I can still say "blitzing" without lisping, unlike Tim.)
Eric Decker (WR): Eric Decker is pretty much my perfect guy: wholesome, stylish, ripped to shreds, and making millions of dollars a year. Yeah, he's straight, but don't fuck with my fantasies. I mean, just look at this guy. Any time a sports figure gets his own post on a gay blog it means one thing: he has got to be hot to death.
Lance Ball (RB): Maybe it's his body, maybe it's the tattoos, but it's probably the fact that his last name is "Ball."
Tony Carter (CB): Big ears (or "ankle catchers," as we call them on a bottom), a goofy smile, and a body that just won't quit. I don't know what a corner back is, but I would go to his corner and back again, that's for sure.
Britton Colquitt (P): You gotta love a cute boy with shaggy hair, an equally adorable brother (also a ballplayer, I hear), and the ability to get one leg almost completely perpendicular to the ground.
Matt Prater (K): I will never, ever kick blonde and scruffy out of bed.
DJ Williams (WLB): There's something about Williams that reminds me of Stringer Bell from The Wire and that is very, very sexy.
Wesley Woodyard (WLB): Has that rare combination where he looks completely crazy and super hot all at once. There is nothing more irresistible.
New England Patriots
Tom Brady (QB): Sorry, but I do not want to fuck Tom Brady. No, I do not. First of all, wanting to fuck Tom Brady is so obvious. The rest of you bitches can have him. Secondly, he is not pulling off the long hair. Does he still have that long hair? I don't know, but just thinking about him with that limp mane makes me go exactly that, limp. And, he is Gisele's. Would you fuck with Gisele's man? Oh no, I would not. She will come for you something awful. Plus, Tom is so incredibly fertile that he could probably even get me pregnant and I do not need a baby. But all of those arguments are moot anyway, because there is one sole reason I would never, ever sleep with Tom Brady: Man Uggs. Ugh indeed.
Chad Ochocinco (WR): Much like Tim Tebow, Chad Ochocinco is kind of an asshole but for a totally different reason. I mean, the man changed his last name so that it would be the same as his jersey number. That is stupid. Still, he is hot and tall and I really want to know what happened backstage at Dancing with the Stars.
Julian Edelman (WR): This, Tom Brady, is how you do long hair. Edelman doesn't look like some stupid punk who won't go to the barber. No, he looks like Thor, the god of thunder. Delicious. Also, he was on America's Next Top Model: All Stars so we'd have a lot to talk about.
BenJarvus Green-Ellis (RB): You know a guy with this many names has a name not only for his penis, but also both of his nuts. I want to learn what they are.
Rob Gronkowski (TE): This guy is so all-American looking that making out with him would be like sucking on a corn cob. He doesn't mind people tweeting shirtless pictures of him, either, especially if the tweeter is a porn star.
Aaron Hernandez (TE): Finally a Latino, and one with a baby face and some heavily-inked arms. Adorable. And he's from my hometown of Bristol, Connecticut. He probably knows my mom.
Niko Koutovidis (LB): I have a feeling my man Niko has some idea about doing it the Greek way. Also, he's from New Britain, Connecticut, so he can have a Central CT threeway with me and Aaron Hernandez.
Logan Mankins (G): My mustache really wants to meet his mustache and then rub up against his for an hour or so. Oh, he has a beard now. Whatever. Even more bear-tastic.
Sterling Moore (CB): He looks like the hot guy you'd see on the subway who would smile back at you and flirt with his eyes even though he might not be interested. He just wants you to want him. And I do.
Rob Ninkovich (OLB): He'll hold you in his arms and cuddle with you all night and litter your bedsheets with hair. Perfect for a January evening.
Shane Vereen (RB): Mostly in case he's related to Broadway legend Ben.
Mark Anderson (DE): Wow, NFL players really like their tattoos, huh? I would like to personally inspect Mr. Anderson's...with my tongue. And other body parts.
Texans vs. Ravens
TJ Yates (QB): Ew, no, I do not want to sleep with TJ Yates, or any of the Texans quarterbacks. They're just all so unexceptional looking. Look at Yates. He looks like an assistant manager at a Best Buy, not a million-dollar pass thrower. Is he any good at football, cause he looks like he would be kind of sucky?
Connor Barwin (OLB): If Jon Hamm was a football player and had insane guns, he would be Connor Barwin, and who doesn't want Jon Hamm?
Kevin Walter (WR): I used to have a huge crush on Brian Bosworth back in the day (remember him?) and Kevin has the same combo of ridiculous hair and meathead hotness that The Boz had back in the day.
James Casey (FB): Casey is a very strapping young man of indeterminate ethnic origin which makes him even more alluring. Before playing for the Texas he played for the Chicago White Sox. Don't get confused, that is a baseball team. He is a pitcher. MMMhhhmmm.
Arian Foster (RB): This guy looks like he's saying, "Hey, boy, how you doing," and "Want a bong hit and to play XBox?" at the same time. That makes me weak in the knees.
Saints vs. 49ers
New Orleans Saints
Drew Brees (QB): Drew Brees is just about the only guy on the Saints that I would fuck. Their team is just busted so, for the purposes of this exercise, that means they are totally awful. Brees is handsome in that way that your gym teacher was handsome, like he's kind of hot and healthy and fit, but not like crazy cut or anything. Actually, he kind of looks like the husband in every LIfetime movie, which has its own sort of appeal.
Marques Colston (WR): I mean, I'm really digging here. Colston is cute, but he's not like hot. If I was trapped in the Saint's locker room, he's do though.
Tory Humphrey (TE): There is a reason Mr. Humphrey is a tight end: he looks like he's all top. This is just a giant mountain of a man who is smiling even when rushing down the field. He could go marching in whenever he wants.