Awards shows are compelling because they're occasions for the rich, famous, and beautiful to go above and beyond to the apogee of glamor. The Golden Globes, however—mostly due to the mass quantities of alcohol and other substances in close proximity—are often the occasion for the glamorous to become beastlike in the blink of an eye. (Except Kate Winslet. She is never not absolutely fabulous.)

Here, then, are the best and worst of faces at the Golden Globes.

"Thanks, Ricky! My kids loved your joke about my snatch."

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Viggo Mortensen was the kid in class who always answered roll with "Present."

"Sing Edelwe—" "FUCK OFF."

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FEMBOT ERROR Abort, Retry, Fail?

Zooey Deschanel is shown a mirror for the first time since having her hair styled.

Videobomb!

Clooney's Jay Leno biopic, tentatively titled The Unfunnyman, is slated for an Autumn 2013 release.

Rob Lowe ingests substances that haven't even been invented yet.

Diane Lane negotiates her evening's third act of on-premises coitus.

(Psst, Emily, your category is up.)

Kate Winslet used her opportunity at the dais to express her undying love for the Atlanta Braves.

(Has been drinking.)

(Has been hanging out with Ricky Gervais.)

(Has just seen the condition of Ricky Gervais and Kelsey Grammer.)

Antonio Banderas spots Diane Lane from across the room.

Sir Elton reacts to the news Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the GOP presidential race.

Four years after The Wire's conclusion, Dominic West insists on staying in the McNulty character at all times.

Peter Dinklage knows something.

Well that's just rude!

Man Wearing Hat Wonders Openly Why He Is Only Man Wearing Hat

"Duchovny? Yeah, I've worked with him. I did a Red Shoe Diaries episode back in '92."

(No, really, he did.)

(The Viagra has just kicked in.)

"UP TO THE BRIM."

(Has just evacuated in her pants.)

Tilda Swinton was ashamed to learn that unlike on her home planet, Earth's David Bowie is only a celebrity rock singer and not a deity.