Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden Globes

Awards shows are compelling because they're occasions for the rich, famous, and beautiful to go above and beyond to the apogee of glamor. The Golden Globes, however—mostly due to the mass quantities of alcohol and other substances in close proximity—are often the occasion for the glamorous to become beastlike in the blink of an eye. (Except Kate Winslet. She is never not absolutely fabulous.)

Here, then, are the best and worst of faces at the Golden Globes.

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

"Thanks, Ricky! My kids loved your joke about my snatch."

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Viggo Mortensen was the kid in class who always answered roll with "Present."

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

"Sing Edelwe—" "FUCK OFF."

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

FEMBOT ERROR Abort, Retry, Fail?

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Zooey Deschanel is shown a mirror for the first time since having her hair styled.

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Videobomb!

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Clooney's Jay Leno biopic, tentatively titled The Unfunnyman, is slated for an Autumn 2013 release.

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Rob Lowe ingests substances that haven't even been invented yet.

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Diane Lane negotiates her evening's third act of on-premises coitus.

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(Psst, Emily, your category is up.)

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Kate Winslet used her opportunity at the dais to express her undying love for the Atlanta Braves.

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

(Has been drinking.)

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

(Has been hanging out with Ricky Gervais.)

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

(Has just seen the condition of Ricky Gervais and Kelsey Grammer.)

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Antonio Banderas spots Diane Lane from across the room.

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Sir Elton reacts to the news Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the GOP presidential race.

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Four years after The Wire's conclusion, Dominic West insists on staying in the McNulty character at all times.

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Peter Dinklage knows something.

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Well that's just rude!

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Man Wearing Hat Wonders Openly Why He Is Only Man Wearing Hat

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

"Duchovny? Yeah, I've worked with him. I did a Red Shoe Diaries episode back in '92."

(No, really, he did.)

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

(The Viagra has just kicked in.)

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

"UP TO THE BRIM."

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

(Has just evacuated in her pants.)

Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden GlobesS

Tilda Swinton was ashamed to learn that unlike on her home planet, Earth's David Bowie is only a celebrity rock singer and not a deity.