Tucker Max, Chad-in-Chief of the Beer Division of the Pussyhound Brigade (Duke Chapter), is back with an astounding and incredible offer for all you losers out there who would do just about anything to achieve your life goal of licking Tucker Max's sneakers clean as he Googled "misogynist slurs" and then read off every single entry, at you. You could be Tucker Max's new research assistant. Doesn't that sound great? A great job? Bitch?
Tucker explains on the internet that "I just signed on to do a major book project, something unlike anything else I have ever written." This one won't be written in a crayon made of semen? Haha. No sluts, only cum dumpsters in this one? Haha. This one won't be made into the world's worst movie? Haha. But seriously folks, Tucker takes pains to point out that this is not something you do just so you can "brag to your friends you worked with Tucker Max." This is a serious job, as you could tell when you first heard the words "Tucker Max's research assistant." If you want to assist him on this project you must solve the riddles three. Riddle the first:
1. Before 5pm EST on January 24th, send an email to this email address: email@example.com
2. The subject line must read "Tucker Max Research Assistant Gig"
3. In the email, put four things: 1. your full name, 2. how old you are, 3. where you live, and 4. what the third largest magazine in the US is, by circulation
4. Attach a picture of Jason Williams to the email (not the basketball player). It must be either a gif or a jpg, and cannot be larger than 1 megabyte (1MB).
5. Do ONLY those tasks. Nothing else should be in the email.
If you don't receive a reply, you hath failed on thy quest to master the Task of Tucker. Or you're a dumb slut. Or, perhaps, you're not a dumb slut. We're all growing up fast these days.