Paula Deen Is a Greasy Villain

Well well well, obesity rates in America are finally "stabilizing," at 112%. Kidding, it's not even 40%. We've managed to avoid a clinically obese majority. This is considered progress. No thanks to you, Paula Deen.

We're not happy that Paula Deen has diabetes. I mean, one would have to be aggressively stupid not to guess that diabetes would probably result from a steady diet of deep fried stuffing on a stick and double chocolate gooey butter cake, but that's no national crisis, unless your name is Paula Deen. Considering the deep-rooted American middlebrow culinary affinity for butter, sugar, salt, and fry, Paula Deen was merely the embodiment of something much more fundamental than herself. She was the Kelly Clarkson of celebrity chefs—undistinguished, unoriginal, full of empty calories, and wildly popular.

Oh well. Somebody has to be that person. What Paula Deen has done in the past doesn't really bother us. Eat crap, get fat, get (Type 2) diabetes. Simple karma. Sure, it's bad that she encouraged millions of Americans to cook that unhealthy shit, but to each their own. Free will and whatnot. If a million Paula Deen fans want to give themselves and their families diabetes along with their hero, that's their business. Even the biggest health nut would have to admit that deep fried stuffing on a stick is probably tasty.

That's not the problem with Paula Deen. The problem with Paula Deen is that, after being diagnosed with diabetes—after being handed a big, flashing "Atone for your lard-soaked ways" sign by god—she chose not to humbly receive the message, in her nice little down home Southern Jesus-respecting way, and set about trying to change for the better, and perhaps to convince some of her acolytes to stop killing themselves the same way. Maybe become a vegetarian. Save a cow while you're at it. No. Instead, she decided to accept a shitload of money to endorse a diabetes drug. She managed to find a way to eschew responsibility for the damage she's done as much as possible, while also making money for herself. She managed to send the message: Continue eating my special fried bacon mashed potatoes, likely obese Americans. You can always shove some Victoza™ brand non-insulin injectible medication into your clogged veins when your body starts to rebel. Food is your drug, and when it starts to kill you for real, well, there are always... drugs.

Actual Paula Deen quote: "You can have diabetes and have a piece of cake. You cannot have diabetes and eat a whole cake." No, Paula. No cake for you. You've had quite enough cake. Have some quinoa. Cake is for people who've done their squats.

[Image by Jim Cooke]