Mark Wahlberg Is Off His Rocker Again, Maybe Because He Never Masturbates

Just when you thought Mark Wahlberg had traded his racist streetfighting for hamburger franchises and Oscar nods, he gives a crazed interview bragging about bare-knuckling boxing with terrorists and never masturbating. This can only end in disaster.

After telling Men's Journal that he cried "six or seven times" during The Help, Wahlberg claims he could have stopped 9/11 with his bare hands:

If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.'

This statement upset some 9/11 widows, but what they don't understand is that Mark Wahlberg's bare hands are very powerful, due to the strength of masturbation deferred:

I don't get down with jerking off, dude. Look. I don't believe in everything that the church says. I try to do the right thing. I lead a clean and pure life. I'm a married guy. I have a beautiful wife. Sex is not the most important thing to me, being horny all the time, spanking the—I mean, it's not against the law. You can do whatever you want. And it's not like, 'I shouldn't do it because of my faith. I'm just not really that into it that much anyway.

Asked about what will happen when his daughter starts dating, Wahlberg sputters, "it's not a good thought for me to have. Thinking about it really stresses me out, so don't stress me out right now, because that's a stressful thought, OK?" For some reason I can't stop imagining a wild-eyed Wahlberg drumming his knuckles compulsively and chewing his lip until it bleeds.

Countdown to a Cruise-ian couch-jumping incident starts now. [Men's Journal, Huffington Post, image via Getty]