Violent Class War Coming Soon: How to Prepare Yourself

Kremlin backed propaganda artists Russia Today have predicted that the United States could erupt into a violent class war within two years. "With an assumption that a strong or very strong conflict exists increasing in only two years time, at this rate 85 percent of Americans would sense a class war in two years' time," reads the barely coherent missive. The economy is down and jobs are hard to come by, so pretty soon we'll all be killing each other in the streets. Should you be scared? You should probably not be scared.

Our Soviet friends are not the only ones predicting an imminent violent class war.
Some of the fringe elements of the Occupy Wall Street folks, mostly anarchists, regularly voiced their gleeful anticipation of the street wars to come. Who says ridiculous fear mongering is just for right wing Islamophobes?

Unfortunately, when you resemble the stock photo in an LL Bean catalogue and carry yourself like the last time you were in a fight it involved fruit snacks, no one is going to take your threats seriously.

So listen up, bloodthirsty class war enthusiasts: do you want the nation to take your intentions to overthrow the government seriously? Do you want to really put a scare into your parents? Then you need to follow this handy guide.

Learn how to use a gun:

All those literary salons may sharpen your minds, but they're not going to sharpen your killing skills. Even the misguided souls in Baader Meinhof and the Weathermen knew their way around an AK. I mean, how many pamphlet writers does one revolution need? Someone needs to be on the front lines. It's damn near impossible to legally fire a pistol at a range in this city, but the West Side Shooting range has a nice program for beginners looking to learn how to use a rifle. Just remember, gun safety is important. Pay attention if it's your first time, cause one slip up could have you headed to a hospital. It happened to a guy I know who is totally not me.

BONUS: Hop a cheap flight to Cambodia. There's a firing range next to the airport where you can pay 30 bucks to throw a grenade! Totally worth it, um, allegedly? Also, not only are you pumping up the economy in a developing nation, you're also helping to get rid of excess weapons left over from decades of brutal wars. You're basically a UN goodwill ambassador just cause you blew some shit up.

Learn how to fight:
Let's be honest guys: right now I could hop a cab to Bensonhurt, grab the first five guys named Tony that I see, and have them easily defeat your comrades in a rumble. All the tattoos and punk rock pins in the world are not going to make up for a lack of upper body strength and fighting knowhow. There are scores of MMA and Muay Thai gyms in this city, but nothing beats the sweet science. I believe Hamilton prefers Gleasons, but I used to train at Mendez over on 26th, and that place is pretty welcoming to beginners. Don't be intimidated, there's no way you'll be worse than I was.

BONUS: You're going to have to sacrifice your skinny jeans, but it's time to put on some weight. Hit the gym. Mark Rippetoe's starting strength is said to work pretty well.. It's going to be hard to get enough protein on a vegan diet to pack on those pounds, but if you're dedicated to the cause it's doable.

Remain angry at all times:

You can't just do a little yelling at some march and later retire to your favorite tea house to discuss dialectical materialism. You need to be ANGRY ALL THE TIME. Che and Fidel were a bunch of educated middle class kids, too, but they were angry enough to kill a neighbor when it came down to it. Are you? You need to be. One way to get there is to listen to angry rap music all the time. When you wake up, the first thing you should do is throw on MOP. Before you go to sleep? MOP. On the subway? MOP. You better delete The National and whatever catchy punk tracks you have on your iphone right now. Nothing but MOP from here on out. Once you've mastered that feel free to alternate between anything from Duck Down Records, Uncle Murda, early Cam'ron, Big L's first album and Pusha.

BONUS: Watch this Dead Prez video over and over.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend:

It's a central tenet of foreign affairs. Sometimes you need to team up with people you aren't too fond of in order to go after a bigger, nastier enemy. Those guys over in Montana and Michigan and places like that have plenty of camouflage clothing to spare and LOTS of guns. Sure, they might not be able to quote Mao by heart, but they've got other attributes that I'm sure will come in handy. I bet they have like five-year supplies of beef jerky in those compounds they have, and you just know those guys are some beef jerky experts. God I love beef jerky. I bet they have a ton of ATV's, too, and ATV's are awesome.

Bonus: These were the guys who used to be in charge in my neighborhood. Maybe try to make friends with them too? I guess you need to learn some military strategy too. Stratego is a pretty cool game, and once you master that you can move onto Risk.

Best of luck.

[pic via Getty]