Oh the harm that can befall a guidette during the greatest sociological experiment of our time. Sure she can't be sullied by reputation, but there are still horrible fates than can befall her, like the intractable tangle of her weave. And that was just the start of last night's disasters.
Poor Deena, wracked with heaving sobs at the loss of her "soul" Vinny, she ended up overcompensating and wound up with her weave in a horrible bundle. When she first heard the news of Vinny's departure, JWOWW, the group's surrogate mother, had to comfort her. Later, as it so often does, the guido's grief turned into a celebration and when Deena and Snooki got home from a day-long bender, Deena's weave was knotted and mangled and practically pulling out her real hair.
There is no specific reason this happens to a guidette. In fact a combination of dancing too hard, falling on the ground, spilling drinks, and sweating would cause anyone's weave to become a knotted mess. It's just that most people wouldn't engage in all these behaviors at once. Of course, it is up to JMOMM (That's JWOWW upside down) to help Deena get all the tracks out of her hair, like she's a toddler who went to bed with a mouth full of Bubble Yum and woke up with a head full of sticky dreads.
Now is the time when we have to look at the guido's vocabulary so we'll know exactly what they're talking about.
- Peccorina: This is not a real word, this is a curse word that the guidos made up. They took the name of a popular cheese, added a feminine ending to it, and claim that it is a new dirty word. We're not sure of its exact meaning because when The Situation used it for the first time, The Duck Phone made a loud beeping sound that will obscure its true meaning forever. The Duck Phone is, once again, keeping the guidos' secrets.
- Wastey Pants: These are the underwear that guidettes wear when they go out with the objective of getting entirely wasted. They know that their skirts will ride up, they will fall to the ground with their legs in the air, and they will find all sorts of creative ways to show off their neither regions. These pants keep their private parts in check. More often than not, they forget to wear this garment when they head out.
- AAA: A synonym for a dependable booty call. As The Situation describes it, "If you call her, she'll be there."
- The Dip: To leave the premises unannounced. Have we covered this before? It feels like we have.
Yes, everyone was very, very sad that Vinny was gone. We even saw him return home to Staten Island looking exhausted and a bit defeated but happy that there was a lasagna waiting in the oven. Deena and Snooki celebrated Vinny leaving by getting really drunk and causing Deena's weave to tangle into and onto itself. I don't really have time to parse Deena's closeted lesbianism, her mourning of Vinny, and her proclamation that she loves gay men. Let's just say it reaffirms everything you think about Deena (in those soft, quiet moments when you do think about Deena).
Ronnie and Sammi and JWOWW called Vinny to make sure he was doing OK. But DJ Paulie Dirty enacted the traditional mourning ritual for a fallen guido comrade. He went out to Karma, found a girl that Vinny would have loved (slightly older and covered with tattoos) and brought her home and fucked her in Vinny's bed. As we know, the guido's bed is an avatar for his soul, for his very existence. While Vinny's bed is still in the house, it is like he is there as well. When DJ Paulie Deliverance fucks a girl in Vinny's bed, it is like he is fucking her as well. It's like when a member of an urban gang culture pours out some alcohol for a lost brother in arms, but instead of booze, we have a tatted up cougar. It's all ceremonial, but it is the ultimate show of respect and a rather apt display of mourning.
Can we take a minute to talk about Paula? Paula is a new guidette that is having some sort of relationship with The Situation. I would say that sleeping with the same person more than once constitutes a relationship, but this is especially true for the guido, who is known for treating women like Slim Jims—delicious snacks that are readily available and not given a second thought to after they're consumed. But Paula keeps coming back for more and The Situation keeps calling for her.
The thing that Paula explains to Sammi is that she doesn't really care what people think or say about her, she just does what she wants. Trying to conform to some notion of self causes disappointment and heartbreak. Paula doesn't care if she's in her bikini at the bar. She doesn't care if boys write DTF on her ass with a Sharpie. She doesn't care if they call her slut to her face. Paula doesn't even know what a fuck is, so there is no way she can give one.
There is something sad about this, that she allows herself to be so mistreated, but there is some sort of strange alchemy that works in the heart of the guido that makes this strategy successful. Maybe she has found empowerment in her degradation? I'm not sure. We need to study this one more closely
The thing about other guidos is that they don't care what mainstream society thinks about their strange behaviors and folkways, but they care how they are perceived by others in the tribe. That means they have to hold on to some notion of integrity and respect. Paula, who is outside of the guido culture but existing alongside it, doesn't hold these notions. She is complete free, and she is totally wise. I like me some Paula, even though she's fucking Sitch. Ew.
Competing with Paula for The Situation's attention is this crazy Bosnian chick that we will call Grilled Cheese, because that is what she tells Sitch she would like him to make for her in the morning. Grilled Cheese goes into the Shore Store, where the guidos are held captive for several hours a day "working," and approaches The Situation about trying on a pair of shorts. Because she is hot, he immediately complies and she flirts with him heavily.
Later that night, she finds him out at Aztec getting dirty with the rest of his crew. "I've been searching for you all day," she says. But Paula is there, so Sitch sends her over to DJ Paulie Distracted. She then flirts heavily with him, so heavily, in fact, that she goes home with him. But Grilled Cheese will not put out, and it is DJ Paulie Debut's birthday! That is against the guido code of honor not to fuck the guy you go home with on his birthday. DJ Paulie Dispatcher calls her a cab and gets rid of her.
10 minutes later, there is a knock at the door. It is Grilled Cheese. She doesn't want to go home yet, she just wants to "hang out," with the guys. This is all very suspect. Taking all this evidence into account, there is only one logical reason that she is behaving like this: Grilled Cheese is a spy.
This is not the first time a comely foreign national has tried to get with the guidos. Of course there is the original stalker Danielle, the Agent of Mossad, and let us not forget about her Miami-based cohort Ramona the Romanian. Both of these women were thwarted in their attempts to mate with a guido, kidnap him, and return him to their home country, where their hearty DNA will be used to fortify their gene pool and create a class of strong half-guido warriors.
I'm not entirely sure if Grilled Cheese is working for a Bosnian boss or if she is, indeed, in league with Danielle, Agent of Mossad. In either case, two things are certain: Grilled Cheese is not willing to fulfill her mission and actually engage in intercourse with a guido and her backup was not ready to spring the trap.
If she was a really good agent, she would have smushed with DJ Paulie Doomed and then smuggled out his "sample" in her body and delivered it to her people. That's what the Black Widow would have done. She does not do it. She is only a half-assed espionage professional. It seems like there was some plan for extraction ready for the guidos, but she acted so fast and so aggressively that everyone back at mission control didn't take the necessary measures to spring the trap when Grilled Cheese had it set. That is why they sent her back into the house, to complete her mission. But she could not. Sadly, Grilled Cheese just melted away into the night.
Now that he escaped the treacherous Grilled Cheese, The Situation has another danger to face: his birthday. Apparently Sitch and DJ Paulie Decade were born only a day apart, so this year they were going to celebrate their birthdays together. DJ Paulie Delightful's family surprises him by coming down from Rhode Island (and his mother even brought along his barber so that he could attend to DJ Paulie Depilatory's hair). Everyone is so excited for DJ Paulie DaBomb's birthday and no one gives a shit about The Situation's.
Then he gets all mopey that no one likes him and is whining that he doesn't always want to be the villain. The Situation needs to shut the fuck up with this. He is the alpha male of the tribe and they way he keeps that position is by being an absolute asshole to everyone. He's continuing to threaten Snooki by telling Jionni about their hookup, he alienates and antagonizes everyone at every chance he gets, and then he's surprised that they don't want to celebrate his birth?
This is classic top dog behavior. When he feels threatened, he acts out and tells everyone that he will be the villain so that he can maintain power. But then when he is slighted for wielding that power, he acts all hurt and says that he will reform and make everyone love him. Until their affection threatens to supplant him, in which case he'll begin antagonizing them again. It's a vicious cycle to keep yourself on top. The Situation has two choices: he can suck it up and take it like all the other alpha men in history or he can become like Paula and stop caring. Other than that, you'll just have to let that heavy crown weigh down on your big ears even harder.